This post is part of the Ask Me Anything series I’m running on my blog. To submit your own question, use the form below. Here’s the original post that talks about what I’m looking for.

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What I do about unsupportive comments about my parenting

Do you ever get unsupportive comments about some of your parenting choices and how do you handle it? (I get lots of negative comments about the fast I’m “STILL” breastfeeding and bedsharing with my almost two year old.)

Oh, this is a good question. I may not be the best person to answer this for a few reasons which I’ll explain, but I have to assume that the person who asked this really wanted to know my thoughts, otherwise, she would have done a Google search since this kind of stuff is rampant on the internet.

Here’s why I may not be the best person to answer this. First, Since Olivia was born, I’ve been learning to take the crotchety old man approach to my parenting in that I’m learning not to give a fuck what people think. And second, I haven’t, you know, gotten a whole lot of unsupportive comments. Let me explain.

I nursed Olivia until she was three years and three months. Something I’m incredibly proud of. I fully support and am on board with people choosing/having to feed their babies formula. Fully on board. But I love nursing. I love talking about it, learning about it, and educating others on it that ask. And it was so important to me to be able to nurse as long as we could. I ended up having to stop due to our second FET last year, and weaning her was pretty easy, and I’m glad it was a gradual slowing down, but both of us would have gone longer.

Throughout that entire time, I didn’t receive one negative comment. Granted, I hadn’t nursed her in public for a good year and a half, so maybe I would have gotten comments from that. But no one, out of my friends and family ever said one comment about the fact that Olivia was nursing. For that, I was so appreciative.

Olivia slept in our bed on and off for her first two and a half years, but again, no one ever commented on that. Maybe I have amazing non-judgemental friends and family?

The only thing I received any sort of side-eye for was when we did baby-led weaning with Olivia. I know my mom thought we were crazy because she came from the traditional purees realm and giving a seven-month-old steak and strawberries and chili just about did her in. (I’m sorry Mom but it’s true.) For that, it involved a lot of education and deep breaths. I know my mom was just worried about choking, so we had a lot of conversations around that, and sometimes I had to leave it as we can agree to disagree. Not that she disagreed with me, but I think the idea was so foreign to her.

Which really, isn’t that the cause of a lot of mom judgment? I mean, moms who judge others for bed-sharing usually are the ones who’ve kept their babies in cribs. Moms who judge harshly on other moms who use formula probably can’t even imagine putting themselves in their shoes of low supply, feelings of inadequacy, and struggling mental health while trying to breastfeed.

So back to my old man approach. While I don’t get a lot of unsupportive comments, I still get little things and for those, I use Old Man Approach. I don’t care what people think. I don’t do lavish kids’ birthday parties. I don’t try to keep up with the Joneses. I don’t head to Pinterest for curated Valentine’s or teachers’ gifts. When kids come to play with Olivia, they play without me structuring their time with T-shirt decorating. I don’t knock anyone who does these things. Honest. You do you, girl. But I’ve learned to stop feeling guilty that I should be doing these things. Or even feeling guilty that I don’t feel guilty.

I get not everyone has the luxury of this. I get there are people out there who are horrible to other moms and I see it many times in older women when it comes to public shaming. I know, because I talked to a lot of women about being shamed in public for nursing. I know moms are shamed by their own families and friends.

So how would I handle it if something came up? A mean comment from a family member, or a snotty comment about covering up in public? There are a few things I’ve run through my head if this ever happened. Which is really fucking sad I even do because I guarantee Chris has never and will never need to think of a comeback for someone doing his dad things.

I have a comeback ready

I’ve nursed a lot in public. I’ve flashed all sorts of body parts, unfortunately, to mostly old men. My babies love to fling off me and I suck at using covers. And while I have never had someone actually say anything to me, I’m always prepared for it. Which I know isn’t good, and after I have my emergency comment ready, I actually sit back and assume that everyone is going to mind their own business, and/or be kind. I’ve come up with all sorts of things such as “Actually, it’s legal for me to nurse anywhere kthxbai!” or “I’m sorry, is this bothering you? Perhaps you can go eat your three-cheese ziti in the bathroom stall?” You know, things like that. I’ve found it puts you back in control of the situation.

I realize people probably mean well

Or they’re just assholes. Either way, their issues are not my issues. Their discomfort is not something I need to accommodate in my life. So sometimes it’s a gentle explanation of why it works for our family, or providing some education around said hot-button issue.

I don’t take no crap from nobody

Control. It’s all about being in control. Don’t let people see it bothers you. Especially when it comes to strangers and toxic mothers-in-law. (By the way, my MIL isn’t toxic. Just wanted to put that out there. She’s blessedly a “you do you” kind of person.) You’re the parent, not them. But it’s also OK to let that person know their judgment hurts you. This is reserved for friends and family you actually care about. The underlying point is that you are the parent. And you need to own that and know when to NGAS because there’s always going to be someone judging you for something you’re doing. I’m sure there are people in my life who think I’m totally fucking something up, but hey! I don’t take no crap from nobody.

 

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