I knew that look. I knew that exact look because that look was on my own face three years ago. I almost went after her. I almost approached her and almost said… what? What was I going to say? “Are you infertile? Because girl, me too! Can I give you a hug? Or invite you out for some wine and spinach dip?”
Maybe it was nothing. Maybe she was a girl, newly married, thinking about having that baby, because the weather is freezing and having sex sounds warm and fun and maybe we’ll get pregnant! I’m shooting for a September baby! Why is it taking for-EVER? It’s been like three months, ZOMG!
But I don’t think so. I know that look. And suddenly, I felt a rush of emotion because three years ago I did the same thing. I walked the baby aisle of the department store, softly touching the little sleepers, holding the tiny shoes, and wanting to cry my eyes out right then and there because it was so fucking unfair and I didn’t want to celebrate another Christmas without my baby.
I didn’t want our tree to be filled with generic bulbs from Target. I didn’t want our adult presents to take up all the space underneath it (though I did get really excited about that bean pot).
Me with a bean pot, circa 2014
No matter how much I loved my husband and my fur-baby, the truth was, there was a stocking missing and you guys, I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t deal that there were no baby presents under the tree or the fact that those handmade ornaments weren’t hanging. Because they were supposed to be there.
Toby is still waiting for me to replace the stock dog photo from his stocking, so he thinks life is pretty unfair too.
Life is unfair, even though I have all these new toys.
To the woman in the baby section, gently holding those little clothes and thinking it’s just never going to happen for you: you think no one can see the pain on your face. I do. I promise I’m not just another mama out shopping for her child. I’ve been in your shoes. That same pain? I still have it and it hasn’t quite faded. So to those of you still waiting for your own miracle, to those of you who lost your precious baby, to those of you who are dreading this coming holiday… I see you. You are not forgotten.
This year, when I set out Olivia’s stocking Christmas Eve, when I help her open her gifts and take her photos and dress her in her Christmas outfit, I will think of you. I will think of you and where I was three years ago and how it’s possible to have everything you ever dreamed of and yet still be hurting.
To the mamas without their baby this year, I know how much it hurts. I know the experience of losing a baby right before Christmas. I know how it feels to have your arms empty when they should be filled with lots of squishy baby. I know how hard this holiday can be.
I promise you’re not alone.
This post was updated from December 22, 2016.
Oh this is so true. You just never know what someone else's story is. What a great reminder to be kind to everyone because you never know what they are going through or have been through. Merry Christmas to you, your hubby and your squishy baby!!! After all of this time you deserve it 🙂
This is lovely and so true. After my daughter was born, a friend of my parents' shared with me that (40 years ago) she received her infertility diagnosis and, even after 3 healthy children, the pain and memories never really go away. We never forget. We still feel the pain of others in the midst of it.
As I sat in the tiny chairs of my daughter's kindergarten classroom today and soaked up all the happiness of her holiday party, I felt tears in my eyes. The realization that 7 years ago I never imagined this could be. I was the woman you saw in the store, sadly looking at baby clothes and missing stockings. And now I'm here and sometimes I can't even believe my crazy good luck.
Thank you. It could have very well been me standing in the baby section with the sad face. I have found myself in the baby aisle of every store these past few weeks touching every little item wishing that I NEEDED to buy all of it. I'm praying so hard that this is our last Christmas without a child it's such a painful emptiness that seems magnified this time of year.
Merry Christmas to you guys too!
Love this Beth! And I'm so happy you got your little blessing. 🙂
I'm hoping this is your last Christmas without a baby too.
Thank you for these kind words and for not forgetting about gals like this, gals like us, including me – it means a lot. I often think if (or "when" – a small shift in my language that I'm trying to make) I get pregnant, I don't want to become someone who forgets the pain, because it's a part of me. And it's a part for so many others who are going through the same thing.
So thank you – thank you for sharing all of your journey, the good/bad/ugly – and reminding us that we are not alone.
I have MORE than come to terms with my infertility (STUPID CANCER), but this article hits home. Risa, you are so great with words. Thank you!
-Sabrina
Thank you. This Christmas it will be 5 months since…. I'm trying really hard to be OK but I'm just not. This gives me a bit of comfort. Thank you.
~lawna
Risa, this is beautiful and so appreciated. I'm sitting here crying – for me, for everyone on this rotten path, but also for gratitude at your lovely words. Every year I pray that this year will be the last without a baby.
Wishing you, Chris and Olivia a very happy Christmas.
Sending you love my dear. <3
So much love to you. Sending you a hug through the Interwebs. Merry Christmas!
Thank you for this sweet comment. It's a fine line to walk, blogging after infertility. I will never be same person I was prior to all this and I always want to remember that. But I also want to keep on writing about life with a baby on "the other side." Because I think that's important too.
You are more than welcome, my dear!
Yup. You hit the feeling right on the nail.
Thank for you seeing me and remembering me. I cried to my husband on Saturday while we were decorating that there should be 5 more stockings on the mantle. But, for whatever reason, there’s not. We will get there – some way, some how.
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Always remaining hopeful for you, friend. Thinking of you and sending you a hug. <3
Risa, just found your blog and absolutely love this. Thank you for sharing. It means so much that you are still hyper aware of those of us out here still fighting the good fight and waiting for our babies. Lord knows you have been there!!! This captured the season perfectly! My husband and I chose a little girl off a local angel tree to shop for this Christmas so this was literally me at Target last week. I really try to avoid the baby and kids clothing sections but it was actually kind of nice this time- I just kind of pretended I was shopping for our child. It was pretty fun too putting outfits together for the little girl!
Thank you for sharing! Can’t wait to check out the rest of your blog!
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Katy, thank you so much for commenting! I’m so glad you’re here and please feel free to use my archives (scrolling all the way down if you’re on a mobile, and to the right if you are on a laptop) and start from the beginning! Thinking of you this season and sending you lots of love.
I love this post so much! I am eternally grateful that we now get to celebrate the holidays with our own children. It hurts to imagine what our Christmases would be like today if we weren’t blessed with our miracle babies, even though we once fully believed we would never get to be parents. We spent many years feeling the void. My heart goes out to all those still in the trenches.
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Perfectly said, friend!