I had a lot of qualms about this post. I have already seen some posts on Facebook infertility groups saying how much they hate Mother’s Day and how excluded they feel.
“Mother’s Day reminds me of how I am not a mother yet, and everyone has to rub it in my face.” That’s been the gist of the posts. So I am sitting here now, trying to write this, gritting my teeth, holding my breath, hoping that Fertiles will still read this and not think, well here comes the whining.
How do I feel about Mother’s Day? To tell you the truth, I have felt a little sad these past four years, watching my friends, family and acquaintances become mothers without me. But Mother’s Day to me was always about my mom and making this day about her. It was about picking out cards, giving her a gift, taking pictures with her and my sisters.
Yes, Mother’s Day always reminded me of what I didn’t have. That I wasn’t a mother. But celebrating my own mom was always at the forefront. The woman who loved me unconditionally, who loved me before I was even born. The one who would do anything for me. Would give her life for me. The woman who had big plans for my life. Who always tried to make my dreams come true. The one who always dried my tears and told me everything would be ok.
And now I sit here, on a king-sized bed in a hotel in Iowa on vacation, watching my husband eat his body weight in Pringles, and think, why not me?
What about the mother whose child has died? Is she still considered a mother?
What about the mother who felt life move within her, and then no more? Can she still be a mother?
What about the mother whose daughter is estranged from her? Is she still called Mom?
What about the woman who has never had a child? Who has never experienced a pregnancy? Surely she isn’t a mother.
After all, what is a mother, but one who loves their children unconditionally, who loved them before they were even born? The one who would do anything for their child. Would give their lives without a second thought to protect their child. The one who has big dreams for their child. One who dries her own tears, and tells herself that everything will be ok.
Does a woman have to hold a child in her arms, to be a mother?
This weekend, I celebrate my mom.
I celebrate my mother-in-law, who raised a respectful, kind, and devastatingly handsome son to give to me.
I celebrate moms who chase their children around the backyard.
I celebrate the moms who felt the joy of a positive pregnancy test for a fleeting moment in time.
I celebrate the moms who had to bear the unimaginable pain of losing a child too soon.
I celebrate the moms whose babies are still waiting to come to Earth.
I celebrate the moms with children in Heaven.
We are all mothers.
Happy Mother’s Day.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are celebrating the day empty handed due to a loss or because your child has yet to make it to your arms. You are just as much a mother as the woman who has 12 kids tagging along after her. You are a mother in your heart, you go through the pain of treatments and negatives, but you are already a mother putting forth more as a mother to bring your children here, than so many others. Babyloss moms, you have endured the most tragic and important job a mother could ever do for her child. Sending them off from this life with love and honor and respect. Being strong and keeping their memory alive. Doing this while grieving and heartbroken in a society who minimizes the greatest effort a mother could possibly do…. letting go. It's a shame that Mother's Day is the way it is, alienating and separating women, rewarding some, degrading and ignoring others due to things they have no control over. If anything, Mother's Day should lift up those who are Mother's in their heart but not in their hands because ultimately, the mother's getting all the praise and fluff HAVE their greatest gift already, their children. And now that I have experienced Mother's Days as an infertile, a baby loss momma, and as a mother of living children, I can say that the difficulties of raising children-the exhaustion, the sacrifices, the worry, etc. is NOTHING compared to the lifelong grief I carry for the child who cannot be with me. Happy Mother's Day to you all. XOXO
Oh and my blog is http://angelheartsforever.blogspot.com/
If you ever want to check it out. Take care!
This is great. I see a lot of posts about hating Mother's day as well and I respect that, but I don't feel the way they do. While it stings that I won't be getting a card from my child that my husband helped pick out…because I am not a mother… I don't think of this day like that. This day, Mother's Day, is about my mom. It always has been. And even when I am am mom, if I am a mom, I will still make this day about her (and me of course). 😉
Have a great day tomorrow!
Melanie, this is beautiful! And Happy Mother's Day to you! I will definitely check out your blog!
You will be a mother, dear. In some way or another. Have a great day tomorrow yourself. I hope you guys get a chance to do something fun together.
This is so beautiful! I always think of Mother's Day being about my own mother and my grandmother. And my very favorite aunt. This is so sweet, I love it.
LOVE this. I have never had a huge problem with Mother's Day either – maybe felt a little wistful, but not significantly more than any other day of my life. It was always just about my mom, not about me.
And yes, even women who have never gotten pregnant can be mothers. I truly believe what you said, that there are "moms whose babies are still waiting to come to Earth." So Happy Mother's Day to YOU, my dear. I hope it is filled with love and lots of great photos with your mom and sisters.
I love this: "I celebrate the moms whose babies are still waiting to come to Earth." While I suppose I don't necessarily feel like one, I do appreciate that those of us trying so hard to become one deserve some celebration or acknowledgement as well. And definitely those who have lost.
I found myself sitting down today to write and at first felt compelled to start complaining about the holiday because I was feeling down about my situation. But then I thought of my mother, and my mother-in-law, and remembered the true importance of the day. It's still painful to be where I'm at with my baby qwest on a day like this one, but I've spent my whole life celebrating my mother and it's not going to stop now.
And oh, I haven't had Pringles in years! Have fun in Iowa!
I completely agree with Melanie. And I also agree with your take on Mother's Day. It is my firm belief that giving birth does not make one a mother. There are far too many women you never birth a child (let alone achieve pregnancy) you are amazing mothers to children and young adults who need so desperately to be loved and given a chance in life. The ALI community is filled with women life this and many of them have been more of a mother to me than my own biological mother.
Tomorrow, as you celebrate your mother and all she's given you in life, take a moment for you and Chris to celebrate all you've overcome together. Anyone who loves a child, even one they've never met, so much that they are willing to make the sacrifices you guys are making deserves to celebrate. Thinking of you and wishing you much peace.
I agree. All those women (including you) are mothers. Well said!
Such a great post! You, your mom and sisters are adorable!!
Beautiful post… very well-said. Happy (belated) Mother's Day to you- you ARE a mother.
Lovely post and well said!
Beautiful post and so well said.
Yup! And Mommies of fur babies 🙂
What a gracious, lovely post. I also really appreciated your Facebook status. On mother's day, I pulled up my newsfeed and three statuses in a row talked about infertility (one was yours). It was really great to see that.
Beautiful, Risa. Seriously. And I love the picture of you with your sisters and Mom 🙂