This post brought to you by my husband, Chris. Read more of his writing here.
These past two weeks have been the best and worst weeks of my life. Emotional rollercoaster doesn’t even begin to describe the ups and downs that I have been feeling, though it was more like an emotional Mt. Everest ride. I expected the highs, as moving forward with each new step in the process seemed to give us a higher percentage chance. This made everything much more real, but in all honesty, I just never saw that IVF wouldn’t work.
I know how statistics work but with our clinic’s numbers, I was more than hopeful. I was imagining what Risa was going to look like three months pregnant and the fun we would have picking out his room. What weird food combination I would have to conjure at 2 AM to make Adam and her happy and imagining how I would feel the moment I got to hold my son.
Then we hit the peak. Telling family and friends and looking forward to the confirmation the next day and I was literally on cloud nine. I had the biggest smile on my face and heart that I’ve had since our wedding day. Then I got the message from Risa. For the next two days, I cried more than I have ever cried about anything in my life.
I still just don’t know exactly how to describe how I am right now. I go about my day getting my work done, but I’m just sad and tired. I can crack jokes with people and then go back to my desk and tear up. This is how it is for me. When I stay still, my mind triggers my memory to tell me I’m sad and up come the emotions. Funny how in my first post, I linked a song called “Be Still” by the Fray. Talk about irony when a song that I posted which stirred up so many feelings for me during a time when my friend and his wife were celebrating one of their lost children. Below is a few lines of the lyrics.
Be still and know that I’m with you
Be still, be still, and know
If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am
This is the problem that I have. I want to think about Adam, but it hurts real bad. I don’t want to be still right now because the pain is there. One day, I know things will be better after enough time has passed in order for me to process how to handle these feelings.
In the meantime, we have had an outpouring of support from our friends and family. This support is the only reason why I think we both have been doing so well. Thank you to everyone for all of their kind words and prayers. The support we have received is why I am glad that we have been so open and honest about everything that has been happening.
Before I go, I want to share a poem that was sent to me. Molly, thank you so much for this poem. It is so touching and means a lot that you thought to send it to me.
A Man in Grief
It must be difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since “men don’t cry” and “men are strong”
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she’s doing all right
And what she’s going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
“My friend, but how are you?”.
He hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But stays strong for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be brave
He lost his baby too.
Dear Risa and Chris, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. You both seem like such wonderful people, and I know you will be amazing parents one day.
Chris, since you mentioned song lyrics, I wanted to share a song that helped me so much after my early loss: Carrie Underwood's See You Again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTnWFT3DvVA. I listened to that song on repeat for the first several months after the miscarriage, and it brought my heart such comfort. Thinking of you both.
Thank you for this post, Chris. Too often, we don't hear the male perspective, especially after loss. It's expected that instead you will be strong and supportive while your SO is grieving. Yet you are grieving too. I know Grey battled this for a long time and it was only when he opened up about his grief that I felt we were truly able to heal. So thank you for being brave and sharing during this difficult time.
There's a website I think both of you should check out called "The Seashore of Remembrance." (http://theseashoreofremembrance.blogspot.com/)
Though I haven't honored my angels this way, I know many others have.
Sending love to you both
Oh Chris! I am just so, so sorry for your loss. I have said this to Risa many times, but your loss is unique and I want to acknowledge that too. My heart is right there with you two on this journey…and it's breaking.
Risa is lucky to have you. Thanks for this honest and real post that was clearly written from your heart. Thinking of you both!! xoxo
Thank you so much for letting us know how you are feeling. We all know how much you and Risa are a team, so all heartfelt messages extend to you too, please know that. Miscarriage is more isolating for men. When I had mine, my partner took it harder that I did at first. I did a google search for 'miscarriage support for men'…didn't find much. I tired to get him to talk to some friends who had also experienced losses, but he was reluctant and it was awkward as they hadn't spoke in years. I think time was the only thing that helped.
Thank you for posting from the man's point if view, Chris. When we lost our first pregnancy my husband took it harder than me and it was so hard to help him. He wouldn't open up. Risa is lucky to have you.
May God bless y'all in the coming months and heal the heartache. Y'all are in my family's prayers.
Chris it's so nice to hear from you. My heart just aches for you and that poem is so right more often than not we don't think about the husbands and how strong they are trying to be. We're here for you too Chris and were praying for you too!
To often we don't ever get to hear how this effects a husband or how he deals with infertility treatments and loss. Thank you for taking the time to help us understand. You two are very lucky to have each other 🙂
That is so beautiful! Wishing you much healing along with that of your amazing wife's.
Thinking of you both and so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine your pain and heartbreak.
That poem at the end was so true. We've had two early losses and lots of times, people do forget about the male during it all. I am thinking of you both during this very difficult time.
I am so sorry for your loss, Chris. It's true that people do tend to forget that the men experience deep pain and loss in these situations too, and I know that my husband has been just as devastated as I am each time a cycle doesn't work. Thank you for sharing so openly and for the lyrics and poem. Thinking of both of you during this painful time.
Thank you for sharing this, Chris. I am so happy that no matter what… you two have each other. I hold both you close in heart and prayer.
So sorry to both of you, again…what a trial. Prayers are with you!
So happy you shared this. It is easy to forget how the man feels during this struggle. The poem made me cry. Praying for you both.
Thank you for having the courage to share this. You are right, people don't think about what the man goes through. But I am glad you and Risa have each other!
Wow. I'm sitting here crying from this post. That poem was heartbreaking and beautiful. Risa is lucky to have you, Chris. And vice versa. 🙂 Even though it is hard, I'm sure you're staying strong for her. xoxo
Thank you Chris for sharing and for being so honest in doing so. I have written many posts about how our husband's are often forgotten in all of this. I think this is partially because many of them don't share their feelings. Thank you for being willing to share yours. Also, I hope it is okay but I shared this on my Facebook page. My prayers are with you and Risa.
Reading your post makes me think of my husband and what he was also going through when we had our miscarriage. I'm so sorry that you both have had to experience such heartache and loss. The poem at the end is absolutely beautiful and I thank you for sharing it.
Hugs! I am so sorry 🙁
The poem is so accurate. People always "forget" the man is going through a rough time too. I wish I had come across it after we had our miscarriage.