This is really awkward to talk about. I wish there wasn’t such a stigma about mental health and I know it’s getting better. I know more and more people are coming out and talking about their anxiety and depression and other mental health issues, but it’s still awkward for me to talk about. In fact, another time I tried to open up and “get real” regarding my using donor eggs for Olivia and was told that maybe I needed I keep some things to myself and maybe the whole world doesn’t need to know something so private.
So naturally, I am writing very publicly about personal things again. This time on my own blog and not for a freelance piece, because I notice you guys are much nicer in the comments section here.
I only started thinking about seeing a therapist seriously in the last month, mainly after all of Olivia’s stomach bugs. I realized after talking to a friend, that I have a wicked phobia that needs to be attended to, but it’s so much more than just that. And as wonderful as my friends are, as caring as my husband is, what I actually need is for someone to help me learn to cope with things, to give me some practical advice and homework to do, so that I can start moving forward. I need to do it to be a better wife and mother, because sometimes, I’m not so good at those things.
I chose my therapist from the input of a friend who has worked with her before, and I’m so glad I checked her out. And insurance covers therapy at just a copay. Chris was able to work from home one day a week in order for me to get to appointments. Double win.
My first appointment was last week and was basically an epic word vomit, or as my therapist referred to it as, “an intake.”
I was actually pretty impressed that we could cover everything on a very high level basis in an hour. I ended up walking out of there feeling…liberated? Yes, liberated. It felt so good to get things off my chest and cry and vent.
And weirdly, I looked forward to the second appointment all week. I don’t know. I’m a class A attention whore, so maybe it’s that I enjoyed talking about myself for a change. (And yes, I do realize I have a blog.)
Today, I word vomited again and realized two things.
- I can talk a lot when I get going and
- I realized how much infertility and my pregnancy with Olivia, along with our prolonged hospital stay has invaded my ability to live my life on the other side. I mean, of course infertility has affected me. I was never naive enough to think this wouldn’t spill over into motherhood. But I guess I never realized how much healing I still have to do.
She gave me a writing assignment, and being that I’m a writer, I feel pretty motivated that I can do that.
She wants me to write down every wonderful, miraculous, beautiful thing I can think of that happened during my pregnancy and delivery with Olivia.
And, crier that I am, I teared up when she said that. Because I can tell you all my fears, my worries, my dark thoughts during those nine plus months. What I’m not so good at, is talking about the good stuff.
So here we go. Therapy. I think this will be a really good thing.
The expectations of the world (that everyone should be infinitely brave and strong and act as though things are always perfect) are so out of sync with what human beings really need in order to thrive.
As a wife and mum, you are giving yourself to others all the time. It’s part of the job. So having someone listen and guide you to some self care doesn’t strike me as attention seeking. Just a very sensible plan so you can be happy and have the emotional energy back so you can keep giving to others.
This sounds like a brilliant step for you – to spend time healing after some incredibly tough experiences. Wishing you lots of peace on your journey.
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Thank you! It’s true, what you say about expectations. Funny, isn’t it? The double standard we as humans have about ourselves.
This will be such a good thing! Good for you for not only making the effort to go to therapy but also to share here. I have been in and out of therapy on and off since I was young and my family went together. I went again briefly as a single adult and my husband I had a few sessions as we navigated IVF. My daughter has been in and out of therapy to deal with anxiety for 1.5 years and it has been such an incredible gift. She has been able to sleep better and MAKE FRIENDS. And at the age of 6, to her, there is no stigma. She tells her school friends she is seeing her “person friend” (how cute is that?) after school and they say “cool, I have ballet.” The first time she told me that, fear gripped my heart as I worried she would be ridiculed. I resisted the urge to tell her not to share and I’m so glad I did. She should have only pride in her ability to ask for help and work to be a happier version of herself. Maybe if we can instill this in our littles, the stigma will lessen.
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I should have done it so much sooner. I should have started when my emotions going through infertility started getting harder to handle. And I love how your daughter shares. It’s true isn’t it? We as the adults shame things and then these kids learn from us. I just love that innocence and it’s something I want to instill in Olivia as well!
Good choice!! So many good things come from therapy – growth even in places you least expect it. Hugs!
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You are so right. And I need that growth, because so far, I’ve just been…stuck.
It sounds like this is a great thing!! I think once you start writing all of the good things down that will help too, such a great idea!! We all tend to focus on the negatives first I think.
Author
I’m thinking so too. And I’m sure talking with her about it is going to make me sob, but I will feel so much better. I didn’t realize how important this actually was to me.
I want you to take a moment to first acknowledge how awesome and brave this post is. First, you took the huge step of seeing a therapist and taking care of your mental health just like you would your physical health. Then you were vulnerable and open in sharing that publicly. Kudos to you – this isn’t easy and you should be proud of yourself.
I started seeing a therapist a year and a half into our fertility, just as we were starting to get treatment. Honestly, I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t found my therapist. I suffered for so long, and shouldn’t have – and neither should you, Risa.
We all know the burden and mind fuckery that infertility causes. It’s a permanent thing that colours so many areas of our lives – if this one thing, so easy for others, can’t go right, it must mean that other things won’t go right, that we can never be happy.
Ugh, word vomit. I just want to give you a virtual hug and remind you of how beneficial this will be for you. Also – my therapist REALLY helped me with a needle phobia which was critical before starting IVF. It’s a technique called EMDR and is beneficial for people with traumatic emotional experiences – and most of us have had some of those. It’s really helped me normalize my interactions with needles and is what is getting me through IVF. It might be something you consider – and I wish you all the best with therapy.
I also hope you continue to share these emotions and experiences with us. I’ve so benefitted from your entire journey – from infertility to Olivia to parenting and everything that goes along with that. <3
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Thank you so much for this, Lindsay! And thank you for sharing your own story. I have heard of this technique and I wonder if it would be something I should try out. I am going to bring it up in two weeks when I see her again. I appreciate the suggestion, because I will take anything!
Taking care of it now before it snowballs into bigger worries and anxieties is so smart. I’ve put it off, and now I have panic attacks and social anxiety. I’m not the person I was 10 years ago. I like the writing assignment about focusing on the good things. Good luck with this!
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Yes! You’re absolutely right. I know I’m getting worse and worse and I hate it. I hate it. And I agree. I do like the idea of writing assignments. Good thing I like to write. 🙂
Good for you!
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Thank you!