We’ve been getting a lot of questions about when we are going back to Texas for an FET—AKA, to try for a sibling for Olivia, or what should really be called Operation Attempt This Shit Again.
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You know. Hormone injections. Mostly in my ass. Doctor’s appointments. Vagina cams. Stomach being twisted into knots because something isn’t going right—usually it’s that bitch Estrogen. Travel plans. And you know, there’s that whole uncertainty that the hours spent planning, executing and praying for a sibling may all go down the shitter—along with several thousands of dollars that we won’t ever see again.
I hate being infertile. I hate it. Fuuuuuuck.
Ok, seriously. We’ve been getting questions, and really, we’ve been getting them for awhile. And when I say awhile, I mean while I was still pregnant with Olivia. A legit inquiry, I get it, but it does lend a certain air of freaking out about the whole thing.
I’m going to save all that for another post, but today I wanted to talk about something I’ve talked on here about before.
It’s no secret that infertility messed my body up. When you go through what I’ve gone through to get a baby, you don’t get to come out of it looking like you did when you got married and still thought babies came from sex.
(They don’t, by the way. Write that down.) At least they don’t always and sorry to disappoint, but there will be no surprise pregnancy coming from yours truly. So Texas. So FET. So we attempt this shit again.
Infertility messed my body up, but so did pregnancy. And then by the time I had a newborn I was so focused on the whole keeping her alive aspect of parenthood that I didn’t think about myself. And then when I had a 15 month old, I had discovered Aldi makes really good french onion dip and it’s been downhill like that for awhile now.
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I need to lose weight before we do another transfer. I haven’t worked out, save for the walks outside, in about 2.5 years. I had preeclampsia and a C-section. I’m grossly deconditioned. Pathetically deconditioned. And I don’t know how I would handle another pregnancy. I don’t know how I would handle preeclampsia—since there’s a high probability I may get it again. And it actually makes me quite concerned.
This isn’t an intro into bringing you into the painfully boring journey of weight loss for me. I’m just saying I’m needing to make a change sooner rather than later in order to be in the best condition I can to prepare for the possibility of another pregnancy.
I joined the YMCA this weekend. I’m glad I didn’t have a membership since Olivia had been born because there is no way I would have gone. But now I’m drawn in to the free child care. And you guys, Mama needs a freaking break. Join my email list and I’ll delve into a little more about that there. So I justify the $50/month price tag by simply stating it’s $50 a month in child care. Pocket change, right?
I went Sunday and did a core conditioning class and WHILE it was physically awful, it felt good working out again. Sweating from something more tedious than carrying Olivia up three flights of stairs. So I think this will be a good thing. I hope it is.
It will be. I haven’t brought Olivia since she was developing a bit of a cold, but I’m hoping today we can get back there and I can drop her off for a bit.
Here’s a throwback to January 2013: My first IUI. Back when I thought crossing my fingers would be good enough to get pregnant. Ah, Grasshopper. How young you are. How skinny. How adorably naive. Let’s get back to that, shall we? Well perhaps that, but a bit older. And a bit less naive.
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Ugh. I get this so much. I went from a year of fertility treatments to pregnancy to breastfeeding (which did NOT help me lose weight, I think I was one of those who kept weight on because of it. And I was always starving.), to IVF stims to FETs to a miscarriage to this pregnancy, and OMG my body! It has convinced me that we have to be done after this baby, because I can’t put myself through it again. And hopefully one day I will feel more in control of my body.
(And of course I’m starting this pregnancy with high blood pressure already, so I feel like I should never move and just take warm baths which does WONDERS for my figure.)
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Oh I hear you. Breastfeeding did nothing for my figure. I ate all the time. And I so get the high BP. Did you have hypertension with A? Ugh. I hope it can be controlled during your pregnancy.
I am so sorry that people are asking the questions, and that it STARTED WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT? Yikes, no pressure there. I really feel like infertility changes your perspective on your body, and it is such a struggle to see it as a friend and not a foe. But I have been talking to multiple people who are taking their bodies back — not to be skinny, but to be healthy, and to feel strong and like the body is not a broken thing that betrays them. It sounds like you are feeling this, too. I need to do something, myself. I have not made working out a priority, and we have an amazing Y. I am scared of classes though so I tend to do tapes, infrequently, in my tv room (which I jokingly call my Yoga Studio, dreams for a new house…), but I need to make it a reality. I think setting goals for health for yourself are great, and the side effect of having a potential healthy pregnancy in the future is good motivation too. I’ll be cheering you on! PS — I look at old pictures (and old posts) and often think how young, naive, and skinny I was then too. Ha ha.
Author
I do wonder if it’s because we have three embryos waiting that they just… want to ask about them. But oy. The pressure.
And you’re absolutely right. It is to get skinny(ier) because I hate how I look, but so much of it is that… I’m just unhealthy. Very unhealthy and it affects my mental health.
For what it’s worth, I love the classes at the Y. It’s the only thing I do there because I find it so tedious and boring to choose my own workouts. Spin, RIPPED, BodyPump and the yoga classes are my favorites. Let me know if you make the plunge!
I am not kidding or exaggerating when I tell you that we were asked when we were having another baby when I was TWELVE FREAKING WEEKS pregnant with the first. What is wrong with people?!?!
Good for you on joining the Y. I’m sure it will be just as good for you mentally as it is physically. 🙂
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OMG. Seriously. Would we get these questions if we didn’t do fertility treatments? I think not.
And yes. I’ve been there three times now. I already feel like a fog is lifting.
Standing up and applauding because getting started with working out deserves applause. It is HARD. It’s hard to get yourself in there and stick with it. So we’re all cheering you on.
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It’s so hard. It’s hard to not get discouraged, even this early on. Thank you!
I’m starting back at exercise as well so let’s work on this together! 🙂
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Woo hoo! Let’s do it!
“…when you got married and still thought babies came from sex.
(They don’t, by the way. Write that down.)”
Best lines ever!!! I’m wishing you the best on starting down the path to a healthier you – it’s something I too need to do, but oh the struggles! Sending you many well wishes and motivation!!
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Thanks girl! It’s SO hard. But, right now, I’m just loving the hour or two away from my sweet miracle to focus on myself. That hasn’t happened in forever.
Yep, ditto on this!
I hated it when people asked me when is the next one coming… Even after 3 kids people would say ‘it’s about time!’ like who’s fucking time are they talking about? Ugh. You do your thing girl. Great things coming your way. xx
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It’s crazy. And some people have no filter. Thanks girl!
I found that I didn’t drop the last bit of weight until I stopped breastfeeding (I’m sure you know, they will require you to stop before attempting a transfer) I know I’ve written a bit about it on my blog, but Whole 30 will get you results. Yes, it’s tough, but think of it as tough love, you just follow the rules for 30 days, but will learn a lot of good habits. Love that you have a gym with day care!
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Lol… I think I would do Whole 30 a bit later when I plateau. I like my dairy too much. 😉 Thankfully Pinterest has a ton of Whole 30 plans, so there is that. 🙂 And I know. This is the most expensive gym, but it does have child care included, so that’s a win for me.
“And then when I had a 15 month old, I had discovered Aldi makes really good french onion dip and it’s been downhill like that for awhile now.”
LOL! I’ve had one or two (thousand) discoveries like this, so yeah – totally relate. Excellent point about the child care too – where else could you get that much babysitting for only $50? Good luck with the new exercise regime! 🙂
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I know! That’s how I justify it, and it’s been wonderful so far. And yes, Aldi French Onion Dip.. Bad. So bad. Luckily, I’ve resisted since joining the gym.
Oh, yes, I totally hear this. IVF/miscarriage/pregnancy/c-sections definitely take a toll on the body…right there with you. Like others have said, I’m convinced this “breastfeeding leads to weight loss” business is a total myth as well.
Good for you for joining the Y! Hopefully it will be a helpful step for mental and physical health.
And ohhhh, I hear you about the “more kids” questions! I’ve gotten asked so many times, including when pregnant. Totally frustrating. I do think people find a way to ask these sorts of questions no matter the situation, though. I have a very fertile friend who has 6 kids and got asked frequently after #3 when she was going to stop!
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Oh I know. It’s crazy what people think is ok to ask. Thank you! I have been doing it for a week now and already feel more mentally clear. So this will be a good thing.
Good for you and enjoy it!
I’ve decided similarly — during my methotrexate-enforced break from ttc, my plan is to work out regularly. As you said, it’s not about the weight but just to be strong and healthy so that my body can eventually handle pregnancy and labor well.
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For sure! I regret not taking advantage of those IVF breaks. I’m sure so much of that contributed to my state now.