For Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day back in 2014, my first since I had lost Adam, I was feeling stressed and anxious about our upcoming donor egg cycle. It was hard to relax. I was exhausted and made myself sick trying to plan everything for the almost two weeks off of work. I sat and lit my candles, full of uncertainty about this whole infertility thing.
In 2015, I had to light the candles late, because we were at our childbirth class. (Full disclosure: That link doesn’t actually lead to a Pregnancy Loss Day post. It’s actually from the day before, 31 weeks pregnant when we went to Labor and Delivery from a—ahem—issue. Check it out. I’m hilarious when pregnant.
(I’ve realized I make a much better infertility and pregnancy blogger than I do mom blogger.)
(I digress.)
Last year, I don’t know, 10-month-old Olivia was probably screeching at me or something.
This year, Mama let her stay up a little later to light fire candles so she could keep leaning over them and then rub her forehead—“Ha! Ha!” (that would be Olivia for “hot.”)
She didn’t get it. But she will.
She will always know what this day means to me. She will know she has a brother in Heaven. She will know that for this night, Mama will be a little bit sad. And that’s OK. She should know. Because the only way Adam will be kept alive is for us to talk about him. To cry for him.
We lit a double wick candle for the twins we lost in our first donor cycle. We lit the candle I bought with my dear friend who experienced a miscarriage this summer. We lit a candle for all the women in my life who have ever lost a baby, no matter when it happened.
The loss of Adam comes to me, sometimes at surprising times. Sometimes when I don’t expect it. In fact, we talked about him at my therapy appointment last week. How it can be four years and I can still sit on her couch and cry for him.
He’d be three and a half now. I miss him.
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Hugs to you. I don’t ever light candles but the babies from our first transfer and my daughter’s twin often pop into my head at odd times. It’s still hard and I think maybe it always will be, even now that my heart and my family are full.
Author
Absolutely. And hugs right back at you.
I still do this too. Also miss those we lost terribly. And like you, we share their story with the Beats.
Author
<3
Such a beautiful image of you and Olivia sharing this special moment. Candle lighting with the children who stayed is a precious tribute to the ones who had to leave.
Author
You could not have said that any better, Jen. Thank you.
This year was one of the hardest and has stayed with me longer. Perhaps because we are less than a month out from our 5th loss (the 2nd in 6 months)? Perhaps because we are getting closer and closer to the “end” with empty arms and even emptier hearts? I do know that if/when? we are able to parent children, they will know about the ones that have come before them because it’s not only part of my story, but also theirs’.
Author
Oh Jenni, I’m so sorry for your losses. My first candle ceremony, three months after I lose him… definitely the most emotional. Holding out hope for you, love.
I’m so sorry. Hugs to you and may the light of the candles light the dark part of your heart.
Author
Thank you so much!
Because of the timing (right before our anniversary), I don’t always light candles either. But i think it’s a beautiful tradition. And I always think of my sisters around the world with similar struggles. It means a lot that sometimes someone is lighting a candle and thinking of me.
Author
Absolutely. 🙂
What a beautiful tradition, one that Olivia can grow into, too. The pictures are precious. Sending so much love your way.
Author
Thanks so much!
A lovely, thoughtful and poignant post. That first picture is absolutely gorgeous – one for the wall.
Author
Now that you say that, it really it. I will have to frame this one. Thank you!
I think it’s wonderful that you include Olivia. Also, for what it’s worth, I think you’re a pretty good mom blogger too!! Not just infertility and pregnancy. I’ve always enjoyed your posts!
Author
Ha! Thanks. The inspiration doesn’t come as easy. When I’m not stressing and angry, it’s a lot harder to write. 😉