This post is the final one in the Ask Me Anything series I’m running on my blog, so I won’t be posting anymore of these unless I get some Q’s! To submit your own question, use the form below. Here’s the original post that talks about what I’m looking for.
On to the question.
Donor Eggs v Embryos
Why did you choose donor eggs? Did you also consider donor embryos? After two failed transfers, I have 4 embryos left but want to learn more about these options. Something about donor embryos appeals to me more than donor eggs…I guess the idea that it would be “even,” in that the child would not be genetically related to either of us, instead of carrying my husband’s genes but not my own.
Honestly, my friend, I had similar thinking as you, in that I did consider donor embryos for a bit because then we’d level the playing field: A baby that wouldn’t share either of our genetics. Back when I was thinking about (read: lamenting) going the donor route and deciding if we’d use eggs or embryos, I did consider embryos. In fact, within that post, I had basically ruled out using donor eggs due to the cost. Then, a woman who would quickly become an incredible friend called me up and talked to me about a clinic in Texas that had their own egg bank that she heard was amazing.
Suddenly, eggs were back on the table.
Initially, it had come down to cost. It was freaking expensive to use donor eggs. Anywhere from $18,000-45,000 is what I was seeing until I was pointed to my clinic in Texas. But while I couldn’t use my own genetics, I was caught up in the fact, that my husband’s was still on the table. If it was my body and my sex cells that were fucked, why should his not have a chance? That was my thinking at least.
That I may not have a child who shares my genetics, but I wanted—no, desperately wanted—my baby to share his. This whole thing was so fucked up as it was, that I wanted to keep some semblance of us. I wanted something to come out of this with my husband’s eyes or nose or whatever.
So we decided it was donor eggs. Oh, my husband left it pretty much up to me. He didn’t have some sort of he-man desire to carry on the Kerslake gene pool or anything—he was completely fine with either decision. Truthfully, he probably would have agreed to take in four baby tigers for me as long as it made me happy and took the constant focus off my decrepit reproductive system. Because that’s the kind of man he is.
That being said, I know several people who have done donor embryos and it was the best decision they could have made. It’s not that we were opposed to embryos. Honestly, we probably would have spent less money. I think for me, I just kept feeling that pull that I wanted my husband to have Kerslake-gene babies. Plus, of course, the path my life took when agreeing to go down to Texas changed me forever and that has to count for something.
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I’m the one who sent that question, so thanks for your thoughtful answer! It sounds like you made the right decision for you, and how wonderful that the Texas clinic came through.
Since submitting the question, I’ve had two more failed PGS transfers and am now gearing up for a third retrieval. I was also told donor eggs/embryos would not help since the problem is with my body. Sigh. So we are starting to look at surrogacy instead. We also did surgery to remove my endometriosis, which is probably the reason for all the failures. It’s been the worst year of my life, but somehow we keep going…
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Rose…I just want to hug you. I’m so sorry for all these ups and downs. It’s so tough putting so much time and energy and money into something and then have to move on. Thank you for the update. Please reach out and email me if you ever want to talk. Sending you so much love.