Mother’s Day 2019: I’d cry, but then I’d probably dry heave

I know, the title of this post grosses me out too. Every Mother’s Day I’ve cried in the bathroom. It might have been in the shower, or while brushing my teeth, or just sitting on the floor with my hands wrapped around my legs. After a while, I’d take a breath, smile at myself in the mirror and go on with my day. Mother’s Day is hard. It’s so hard, even with this sweet little miracle I have. There’s a sort of survivor’s guilt that comes along with this day and every year it’s a struggle to get through. Don’t get me wrong. There’s a lot of good things. There’s a lot of joy and gratefulness and indescribable love that comes with it, but every Mother’s Day, I allow myself those moments in the bathroom.

But this year, my body is growing another human and it’s a beautiful miracle, but I also dry heave a lot and think I’m going to throw up 75% of the day.

So this year was different in that I went through my day, with the joys that came with it, but without crying in the bathroom. It’s a weird time right now that pulls me away from everything that is supposed to be normal in my life.

But before the weekend, I got to go to Olivia’s school and have a little end-of-the-year breakfast with her. She was so excited.

I was feeling miserable and had already gagged several times that morning, so when Olivia had eaten her mini muffin, doughnut hole, and applesauce and wanted my bagel, I said Go for it, kid and she happily obliged. Later, actually twenty minutes before throwing an epic tantrum after lunch, when asked what the best part of school was, she said, and I quote: “When you came to eat breakfast wit me, Mama!”

I die a little.

For Mother’s Day, Chris and Olivia made cinnamon swirl raisin bread the day before and cooked me french toast the next morning. I couldn’t eat my usual four three pieces—more like 1.5 along with the small bowl of Lucky Charms that I started craving and could hold me off until the french toast so I wouldn’t start gagging.

Olivia gave me a card. We’ve been writing verbatim what she wants to say on the inside of her homemade cards and this one was hysterically and confusingly sweet.

Chris gave me a voucher for a maternity session with Olivia with the photographers we’ve had for years. I wasn’t expecting it, and it immediately made me burst into pregnancy-induced tears. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect Mother’s Day present.

It was in the low 60s so we got out in the yard for a picture, before heading off to my grandparents to celebrate with my mom and relatives.

Olivia was cooperating until she discovered my necklace. She’s been really interested in it ever since I wore it for Easter. Chris gave it to me when Olivia was six months for my first Mother’s Day with a baby and it has both her birthstone and Adam’s on it and she loves to talk about it, especially the names of the stones.

We had a great time and Olivia spent a lot of time outside. She was b*a*r*e*l*y able to sit still for pictures, but we got some.

The best part of my day? Taking a little afternoon nap with the girl who made me a mama.

Next year is going to look so different. I’m going to have a four and a half-year-old and probably a seven-month-old and wow. I can’t wait.