Hello! Greetings! Fight Club, anyone?
I am on day five of Lupron injections.
This is the medication that tells my ovaries to pipe the fuck down and be quiet. I am done with birth control pills. They were like the Marines: coming in first to No-Man’s-Land and paving the way for the Lupron army to come in and finish suppressing everything. Only Lupron comes in with more of a bang. It may be resetting my ovaries and restoring order in my lady parts, but the rest of my body is doing a nice job of protesting it all.
I had hot flashes the first two days, and I have been dead-tired the last few days. And nauseous. And I have headaches. And all I want to eat is pizza. That may or may not be from the Lupron, but I’m going with that.
The emotional side effects seem to have started. I will notice I get irritated at something really quickly. Then this wave of sadness, blue-funk thing comes over me. Then Chris might say something funny and I am guffawing and snort-laughing enough to get him all shifty-eyed and uncomfortable for the next five minutes until I’ve gotten it under control.
The first day I had to inject myself, it didn’t go as well as I planned. The needle really isn’t that big.
I think I just psyched myself out too much. I stood there in the bathroom that day, ready with the syringe, one hand on my stomach ready to go…and I froze. One, two, three, go! I kept telling my self, now. Ok, do it now. Right now. Needless to say, it hurt more than it should have.
The next day, after my little self-evaluation that I was a total pussy, I didn’t hesitate, and the needle didn’t hurt that bad. I do get a little rash thingy, that I haven’t decided, hurts, or just itches, right after the injection. But all in all, so far, so good.
I don’t know if it’s been the hormones, or if I am just experiencing normal feelings, but I have seen at least five pregnancy announcements on Fertilebook since I started injections. Five. Most of them have come from a friend commenting on someone I don’t even know. Yet Fertilebook likes to toss a that in my face every once in a while. I thought for a while there, I was doing good. Mostly because I am currently in a cycle that has very good odds at ending well for us. But it doesn’t stop the hurt when I see everyone around me getting knocked up after a night giggling under the covers, and I am meanwhile doing daily injections for something that is not a guarantee. And then that wave of sadness comes over me and I am back to being a pitiful barrenness. And I hate that feeling. I try to focus on the fact that babies come to a couple in all sorts of ways. But it still doesn’t stop the anger the grows in the pit of my stomach when some friends still insist on making comments like, “You say you want a baby now, but a few months after you have one, you are going to be begging for me to babysit!”
I was sitting in church this weekend, for the first time in a.w.h.i.l.e. and the pastor was talking about marriage and its difficulties. He made a joke that went something like this:
“And then you will have children…Mothers, hang in there!” Tittering audience. All the while, I had to sit quietly and grit my teeth.
After all, imagine yourself about to graduate college. It took a lot of hard work, and you know the working world will have its moments of difficulty. But you have struggled and toiled for four years for that moment. You have worked your ass off. And now the time has just about come. And Aunt Rhoda comes up to you shaking her finger and says, “Just you wait. You wait for those student loans to come in! By gawd, I’ve been there and it is NOT a walk in the park. Those student loans will suck you dry for the next decade! There is still time to run away and work at McDonald’s for the rest of your life! You may think you are missing out, but at least you won’t have those student loans!”
I’m trying to stay positive. IVF HAS to work for us because there is absolutely no way it shouldn’t. Right now, I am not going to think about the quality of my eggs. I am not going to think about fact that this all could fail because I have shitty eggs. I am not going to think about that at all. I am going to focus on my injections, and the fact that I start stimming this coming Sunday and then my ovaries will start feeling like soccer balls in my abdomen. Because then I will get a great number of retrieved eggs. And they will be of great quality. And we will have a successful transfer. And I will get my baby out of this. I will stay positive because I have to.
I want pizza.
It will work Risa… hang in there. Avoid fertilebook. Eat pizza. I can't imagine how tough this is for you, but it will all be worth it in the end. Hugs to you…
GO get your pizza ( : Amy (Chris' cousin)
So I really don't complain about fertility medications much, BUT I DESPISE, HATE and any other horrible word you can say about Lupron. Hang in there and just know it will be over soon… I feel your pain.
I named the emotional beast that emerge while I was on Lupron. Lulu and I definitely tangled with one another one too many times. It's awful, AWFUL stuff. The only thing that got me through it this last round was a calendar with a big red marker where I could check off the days. And knowing that after the suppression check, I would feel worlds better when I started stims. So, hang in there. Do what you need to do. And I completely agree with Catwoman: avoid FB for the time being.
And for those moments when you're feeling lectured about the difficulties of children, remember that the best way to stop that conversation is to mention their most feared destination: nursing homes.
It has to work this time 🙂 I'm with you on pizza any time or day of the week!!
I know the feeling about the facebook. Last year every single one of my friends got pregnant. The men, the senior citizens… every. single. one. It is an awful feeling as person after person falls pregnant… but you don't know that they were all from a single night of passion… many of them may struggle as much as you are. I am sending you positive vibes for beautiful healthy eggs. Hopefully these will lead to beautifully healthy implanting embryos!
Hey Miss Risa, You should see if you can get a shorter needle. I started out using the 8mm or the 12mm and they do suck. if you can get the 6mm you'll be so happier. Sooner then you know it these injections will be no big deal. Keeping you in my thoughts 😉
Day five: rockstar!!! I did injections for six days in a row this cycle and by the end I was SO over it. Blahh! Needles!
My left ovary felt like a sack of potatoes and I only had four follicles on that side… the whole time I kept thinking, "what's it going to feel like when there's twelve?!?". Hope that the end of Lupron and the beginning of stims will help with the hot flashes, mood swings, and all other terribleness!
Yes to Positive thinking!
I want pizza too
I haven't had to go through IVF yet, so I can't comment too much on that, but I just want to give you mad kudos for doing the injections on your own. You're a strong, amazing woman who I have so much admiration for.
I know it's hard, but try and stay positive. Ignore all of those nay-sayers, they don't realize all of the hard work you have to do for a child you love before its conceived. You'll make it and have happy results in the end!
Sending positive energy your way! Every day you are one step closer to having that take home baby. I'm SO excited for you!
Prayers for you and Chris!
I'm so hopeful for you, Risa!!! You're on your way to baby!! Yay 🙂
Oh, and for the record, I'm so impressed that you're still even on Fertilebook. Deactivating my account may have been one of the best things I've done since entering the land of infertility!!
xoxo
Yeah! Stay positive! You got this!! xoxo
You can do it, girl! And eat your dang pizza! You are earning it.
I'm scared of needles so I think you're a rock star! *HUGS*
When I lost my first baby and was TTC my son, FB was the devil. I avoided FB and it made a huge difference in how I felt.
I have super high hopes for you and this cycle. Go eat your pizza! I think Lupron shots deserve rewarding yourself with pizza.
I'm cheering you on this cycle!! Best of luck to you!!
You just made me want pizza too. 🙂
You're making me glad I got Antagon instead of Lupron…although I haven't started the Antagon yet, so I guess we'll see! 😉
Anyway, I just started stimming on Saturday, so we are only about a week apart. Best of luck to you!
every day is one day closer!!! I start lupron on the 26th! I found that when didn't use a quick dart-like motion it would hurt worse. it is definitely a mental game! Hang in there girl!
Fertilebook, oh my gosh, that is the perfect name for it! Every time I think it's safe to check it or I've got just the right people hidden I get taken by surprise at another announcement.
All the best for this cycle!
I found Lupron injections sites itchy too, for a few minutes afterward at least. And I didn't have hot flashes but I did start getting night sweats toward the end of suppression. Lucky for me that we discovered Lupron oversuppresses me and I never have to take it again! Good luck with it!
Mmmm pizza 🙂
I had my injection training today – along with the tentative schedule and lovely overwhelming pick up at the pharmacy ($$$!!!!!!!) on our way out the door. I had to practice a sub injection on myself while dear husband practiced the IM on my target-marked rear. I feel somewhat better…until perhaps I start Lupron next week. AHHHHHHHH! Let the games begin – or maybe should I say "may the odds be ever in (our) favor" You are on your way and soon I will be too 😉
And as much as I hate that bitter feeling too upon seeing/hearing more and more friends are preggers – or hell, even people I don't even know – I had a friend share last week that her first cycle of IVF was a success! YAY!
Seriously…lupron is no joke. I want pizza too.
Oh I haatttttted Lupron. Pizza always made me feel better too! Thinking of you!
The one thing I've learned so far is that trying to stay positive is the only thing that gets me through each month.
Keep up the positivity! I'm sending positive vibes your way as well!
I don't know if we are going to do ivf yet and I am already dreading the injections!!! I so hope this gets you a BFP! I wish I was starting ivf now…$$$ is the issue. Its going to be 15 years before we can save for ivf and then I will be grandma age 🙁 sounds like you have the right approach to stay positive and take it one injection at a time. It sounds very overwhelming! Good luck!
I'm sorry the Lupron is giving you such a rough time. I say get your pizza.
I have my fingers crossed so tightly that this IVF works for you.
This is totally going to work. Totally, totally, totally.
And also…let me just say that I am getting caught up on your blog and absolutely loving it. I have always loved it. But you, my friend, are getting better and better at this. Your writing is fabulous. Your humor is pitch perfect. Your pictures add so much value. You are a pro. I think you should look into publishing. I'd read your book.
Ha ha, Thanks Amy!
Ugh, FB draws you in and then it can just irk me. I need a new hobby… Thanks my dear. I am so hoping it works.
Lupron… It makes Clomid look tame…
Cristy you crack me up! Lulu!! Lulu is a bad, bad, medication. I am using a highlighter to cross off the schedule. Definitely helps to see my progress and it will be nice when my three injectables change doses every day.
And nursing homes! I'm dying! So true.
Yes, I can eat pizza a couple times a week easily. But now I am just craving it every day. Not a good thing.
Yes, that is absolutely true. It's hard when you are seeing so many people, that you lose perspective that not everyone has it easy. Thanks for the positive vibes!!
Hmm. I will have to look at what mine are. I feel like the process of trying to send them back to get a different size would be so daunting… But I don't believe I have the short one. 🙁
Ok I'm on day 6 now and I am SO over it. Seriously. And that sucks about 4 follicles. I can't imagine what 12 would feel like :/
Isn't pizza amazing? I think we both deserve some pizza <3
Thanks for your sweet words Aislinn 🙂 And thanks for the kudos. It's something I could never imagine doing, and then now I find myself… just doing them. It's weird how life works out.
Thanks for the positive energy!! I need all of that I can get. 🙂
Thanks, Kimberly!
Oh I know. I mean, it's hard. I do like FB to keep in touch with people. It's just hard how FB now likes to show you statuses of complete strangers when one of your FB friends comments. Annoying. Trust me, I envy you, because I think things would be easier sometimes without it.
Thanks Jennifer! I appreciate it!
Hell yeah, I deserve it. 😉 A reward for every injection!
I am sorry about your first little baby. I can only imagine how difficult FB must have been going through all that. I don't think I would deactivate my account, but I am trying to cut down on it to protect my heart.
Yes Jen, I agree wholeheartedly. 🙂
Thanks Suzanne! I hope you got to eat pizza too!
Ooo awesome! Our cycles are so close! Good luck to you too! Hope we both get our babies!
Yes its definitely a mental game and it PSYCHES me out every time. I hate when don't go in quick because I'm scared, and then it ends up hurting worse. Sigh.
I know, it just sucks when the announcements and come in groups. Thank you!
Yeah at first I thought it was pain but it really is an itch. I think I have night sweats periodically but it could be coincidence that I just get overheated at night.
Ha ha! Hope your class went well! I didn't even get a shot class because I'm a nurse and should know everything. But hubby practicing it in a controlled environment would have been nice. 🙂
And that's great news about your friend! That makes me hopeful that this will be successful for me too!
Hee hee hope you got your pizza 🙂
Some women want chocolate, or candy… Nope. I just want pizza.
Thanks dear!
I try to tell myself that everyday. Thanks for the positive thoughts!
IVF is ridiculously expensive. With our insurance we have this one shot.. Otherwise, it's entirely out of pocket. It's pathetic. No one should have to go through that much financial stress to get pregnant.
Thanks Stasy!
Em that's so awesome. Really. I've kept it in the back of my mind, but I know how much work it would be. At least I'd know I would have one person read it 🙂
I do have to say I admire your blog as well. You are just an incredible writer, I've told you that before. How about both of us publish someday? 🙂
The first time I was on Lupron, I was SOOOOooo tired. I absolutely had to have a nap every single day. The second time around I didn't seem to have any problems or side effects. I hunk the whole situation has so many highs and lows. Excitement because this could be it, this could be what makes your dreams come true. Fear that it won't happen. Fear that it will, and then fear that it won't last. It's such a *itch of emotions. I'm still crossing my fingers and saying prayers for you. I know retrieval will be this week and I am very hopeful for you.