Day in the life of a pregnant psycho

4:07 am- Wake up. Have to pee. Swallow thyroid med. Hope a full glass of water doesn’t make me barf.

5:15am- Husband rolls out of bed. Momentary flash of anger for waking me up.

6:47 am- Wake up. Pee.

8:45 am- Must get up. Must do shot. Pee.

8:49 am- Inject Lovenox. Fingers crossed for no giant bruise by the end of the day.

9:07 am- Eat whatever doesn’t make me want to gag for breakfast.

9:15 am- Swallow seven pills in order of importance in case I gag. Curse infertility for so many pills.

9:43 am- Google six week ultrasound images. Just because.

9:44 am- Is that really what the baby looks like?

10:00 am- Pee.

10:03 am- Catch glimpse of 5w4d belly in bathroom mirror. Awww!

10:06 am- Catch glimpse 5w4d belly in full-length mirror while brushing hair. Gross.

10:15 am- Google pregnancy symptoms.

10:17 am- Is the baby really in there? Am I just fat and like to eat?

10:30 am- Pee.

10:57 am- Pee. Damn coffee. Damn water.

11:12 am- Feel hungry again.

11:14 am- Nope. Too tired to get off couch.

12:02 pm- Ok, I’m getting really hungry. Also slightly nauseous.

12:08 pm- Ew. Nothing in this house sounds good.

12:10 pm- Debate going out for fast food.

12:11 pm- NO! I AM STRONG! ALSO, I HAVE NO MONEY.

12:22 pm- Pee. Urine not pale yellow. Chug more water.

12:25 pm- Ok, seriously I need to eat something. I don’t feel good.

12:30 pm- Make quesadilla. Hold back gag when I open jar of salsa.

12:40 pm- Scarf quesadilla at alarming rate.

1:00 pm- Google beta calculator. Enter in last two betas.

1:02 pm- What does this shit even mean?

1:03 pm- Swear off Google for the day.

1:10 pm- Fall asleep on couch. Mouth may have been open.

2:07 pm- Wake up. Pee. Drink more water.

2:14 pm- Husband texts. Wants grocery list written. Everything sounds disgusting.

2:15 pm- Text back that everything sounds disgusting.

2:17 pm- Husbands texts back and says he understands, but could I please make a list because he doesn’t have anything for lunches for work.

2:18 pm- Consider texting back: I’M CARRYING YOUR CHILD JERKFACE!

2:25 pm- Make grocery list.

2:54 pm- Do dishes. Feel accomplished for the day.

3:10 pm- Pee. Study toilet paper for signs of blood.

3:11 pm- Panic that I will lose the baby.

3:22 pm- Nod off while watching TV.

5:02 pm- Husband home from work and wakes me up. Says I was snoring. Resist urge to punch him.

5:40 pm- Is it time for bed yet?

5:44 pm- Eat dinner. Slight nausea.

6:02 pm- Time for PIO injection!

6:08 pm- Scream into pillow as husband massages injection sites on butt. Think I am going to die.

6:09 pm- How I am going to do these injections for seven more weeks?

7:03 pm- OMG! I am so pregnant! Rub fat roll lovingly.

7:42 pm- Take a walk. That’s exercise. Reward myself with ice cream. And a Girl Scout cookie.

8:09 pm- Pee. This is fucking ridiculous.

8:26 pm- Stare at clock. It’s not weird to want to go to bed now, right?

8:27 pm- Take evening meds. Lay on Husband’s lap while he plays video games.

8:28 pm- He’s probably enjoying me falling asleep so early so he can play his video game. Assface.

8:34 pm- Fall asleep on Husband’s lap.

9:45 pm- Husband wakes me up. Tells me to go up to bed.

9:47 pm- Pee.

9:49 pm- Eat five saltines.

9:52 pm- In bed. Can’t sleep on side. Boobs feel like bowling balls.

9:54 pm- Roll onto back. Squeal when I roll over injection sites on butt.

10:05 pm- Asleep for real.