Have you ever done a word of the year? A word that you choose to live by, and one that you spend the year focusing on?
I’ve never done one before and I know a lot of people like to use them in place of resolutions, but being that I’m the weirdo that likes resolutions and torturing myself on all the ways I can improve in the new year, I made some.
But I wanted to try something different this year, and come up with a focus word for 2018. Something I’m going to keep in the front of my mind as I go through a year of changes and growth.
Fearless.
There were several that came to mind, but I always kept coming back to fearless. Because the truth is, there are things happening this year that really scare the crap out of me, and instead of running from them because they are too intimidating, I’m choosing to face them, head on.
Fearless.
I’ve never been good with the unknown. If you followed me through infertility, you may have caught on to the fact that I hate the unknown. The unknown sucks and it causes all sorts of turmoil inside me and probably a big reason I’m in therapy.
Because I’m pushing myself to double my writing income
The last few years I’ve been comfortable in my writing. I made enough to supplement our income and the work was always consistent. But this year I’m branching out and it’s overwhelming.
I’m worried I’m not good enough. That I won’t make enough. These thoughts run through my head more often than I like to admit (because we are our own worst critic, right?) and it’s hard to tame them sometimes. I don’t expect to double my income right away, but hopefully, in the next six months, I will be there, more or less. There is a huge reason for all this added income.
Because of the whole second-baby thing
Where to begin with this? This whole topic can span multiple posts. In fact, it will. But the short of it is, we had a major financial setback, one that caused a stress I haven’t felt since we initially faced our infertility diagnosis. And the transfer we thought was happening somewhere-between-March-and-June-but-realistically-probably-June is going to be more like the end of 2018—if we’re lucky.
And I’m so thankful I’m in therapy and can talk about this, because I still don’t really know how to put my feelings into words over it. But right now, we are essentially starting from scratch in financing this next frozen embryo transfer and that’s pretty sucky coming from a family who is currently using their income to just live month by month.
Fearless.
How do you march headfirst into something so up in the air?
Are we going to be able to afford a transfer this year?
Will it even work?
What will happen then?
It’s hard to focus on the present. It’s hard to try to think everything will work out. That it will be OK. Because right now, it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it.
Did you pick a word of the year?
Have you ever thought about doing one?
Let me know in the comments!
Gosh that stinks BUT BUT BUT I’m telling you there is some reason why this second precious kiddo needed come a little later. Obviously I don’t know why that is but I always look at situations that way. On,e it helps me not feel totally devastated and two, I just feel like when unexpected stuff comes up that’s just of how the plan had to be. You can’t see it now but you will later 🙂 Big hugs to you!!
Author
I hope so. It’s just so hard when the decision is being taken away from you. Again. Thanks girl! <3
I totally relate with having to be fearless. Its a choice to be fearless, and at the same time it isn’t when you’re going through egg donation. I just had a donor drop out and have to move forward with a new one; now on top of being anxious that we won’t end up with a baby, I’m anxious that another donor will drop out! I have to be fearless and hope that everything will work out..but, it feels damn near impossible some days.
I guess I could look at it, as your other commenter said, as “there is a reason it had to be this way” but, it doesn’t bring me any comfort. I could also view my infertility in general in this way but… how would that comfort me? Some may eventually come to this conclusion on their own, but, in the midst of heartbreak, it rarely helps to hear it. I know that while I am experiencing and navigating these heart wrenching waters, I hope to receive sympathy,”I’m sorry”-s and lots of hugs. If you want to help someone you care about who is going through a tough time, just remember that you can never take away someone’s suffering but, you can sit in it with them and offer them some shelter from the storm. <3
Author
Oy. I would totally be freaking out too if I had one donor drop out! I’m thinking nothing but good things for you for this one now! I get your thoughts on the other comment about having a reason. I think at the same time, it sucks so bad that I try to keep two things in the forefront to get me through—I will get to nurse Olivia longer and hopefully I can work on my health before another transfer. It helps me from getting too down on myself, because I did that a lot going through this the first time for Olivia’s transfer.
I’ve never done a word of the year before, but for 2018 I chose the word “Intentional”. It’s not the word I thought I was going to pick, but it fits for how I’m going to try and live my life. Looking forward to reading your blog this year!
Author
This is a great word!
For what it’s worth, I think you are a great writer! I’m sorry for the financial strain you have right now. I completely understand that! We are currently in a month to month situation as well. Sigh. Money should not be a hindering factor for so many things in life.
Author
Aww, thanks friend. I have to remain hopeful it will all work out, but it’s hard some days.
Author
Aww thanks friend. I have to remain hopeful it will all work out, but it’s hard some days.