Corona Diaries: Episode 4

I was planning on doing these posts weekly throughout our shelter-in-place order, but since things have been going on a lot longer than initially anticipated, I realized I can space these out a little more. At this time, our governor has ordered some businesses to open, but it’s a slow process, as it should be.

I’m not going to lie, it’s been hard the last few weeks, but the weather turning nice has been a huge perk. Easter this year was a bit different, but not too bad. I just missed the normalcy, and we tried to keep things the status quo as much as possible.

But the curve is flattening. And this brings about protests, probably from mostly Trump supporters and general assholes. Look, I get it. I get the economy is being really affected by all this. I’ve been reading the news articles about supply chains and farmers and factories and food waste and scarcities. I get it. But I’m also a nurse. I follow closely the medical side of this. I follow the nurses coming out to counter-protest. I see the lack of PPE. I see the articles from right-wing news saying we should sacrifice Grandma for the good of the economy. There’s a lot of ugliness that still persists.

I came up with a rule for myself not long after Corona Diaries post 3 that I would stop reading any more news articles after dinner. Since then, I sleep a bit better at night.

The kids have been doing well, but Olivia has been giving us more attitude lately, namely when she doesn’t get screen time. In fact, all this screen time is really pissing me off, but I also need it so I can work or just get some time to myself. I had brought this up to my therapist last week, about how yes, it’s nice getting some alone time during the day where Chris takes the kids, but it’s not cutting it. I miss the days where I would have a whole day to myself. Even after Emelia was born and I then had a baby at home with me and my productivity was slashed, it was still OK. She’s fine. It’s the constant desire for my preschooler to be entertained that is wearing on me. My solution for these times would be to tell Chris, Listen. I’m going out for pasta and wine with a friend and I’m going to be gone for a few hours, mmmkay? But that can’t happen right now. So my huge self-care solution has been taken away and I don’t know how else to substitute it.

I feel like I’m never alone. I’m on 24/7 and hey, moms will tell you that. But I love my breaks. I love sending my daughter to daycare knowing she’s safe and loved and having a blast playing with her friends. All she has now is her parents and let’s face it, we’re a shit substitute. And now that I hear about all these people breaking the rules and getting together—it makes me mad. Because here I am, killing myself for the good of humanity. I’m staying home and following the rules because the essential workers can’t. And when I hear of people touting the orders, it’s insanely frustrating. My mental health has taken a dive. I’m annoyed all the time it seems, and most of it is directed at my home life and I hate that. I need my space. I miss hugging my friends and going out for breakfast with my mom and I’m trying so freaking hard to flatten the curve and am mentally suffocating for it and others are doing just fine. Business as usual. Seeing their families. Getting together with friends because they can’t “stand it anymore.”

We have face masks now. My aunt sewed us some and mailed them to us. Olivia is tickled pink and wants to wear hers. Clearly, she’s not to be trusted actually wearing one out in public, but the only way she’s actually going to need to use it is if we need to go to the doctor or hospital. I feel bad for her because besides the occasional drive we take to a lesser-known trail or errand where she can be in the car the whole time, she has only gone as far as around her neighborhood. I haven’t worn mine out yet. Truly, I don’t know how much I’ll wear it. Unless I have to go to a store where physical distancing is impossible, I make sure to stay away from others. Far away as I can. Truth be told, I feel like I’d panic in it from not being able to breathe. I wasn’t good at needing to wear masks when I worked in the hospital and always felt claustrophobic.

I can say the highlight of these last few weeks was when my mom came over and sat in her parked car for an hour while we all visited. Olivia is really good at knowing she needs to stay back, but it kills me she can’t hug her Gigi and my mom can’t hold her infant granddaughter. My sister came over that same day and we visited for a few hours in the driveway again. I miss that face-to-face interaction so much.

We had a schedule when this all first happened, where Olivia and I would check off tasks off a list every day. Make the bed. Outside time. School time. Snack. I’m terrible at sticking with schedules and this was no different. So it’s been more of a free-for-all lately, but I did implement a cleaning/homemaker schedule since that’s all I feel I am these days and that’s been going well. I haven’t cleaned this much in years. Probably ever.

I look forward to the weekends. Having Chris help out is huge. It changes my whole attitude about this and it’s so nice passing the buck off to him and share the duties. Which is not to say he hasn’t been helpful during the workweek. He is. He takes the kids so I can sleep. He comes up periodically to give me actual adult interaction. But we were talking last week about an extended SIP. In all reality, we’ll probably get a break this summer and will be back in isolation all winter. He’s going to have to split the childcare more evenly if that happens. Because I can’t maintain this. And I need to work too. So even if he’s working after the kids are in bed, it may be how it works. This staying at home constantly is total crap. Completely necessary and I’m not about to break the rules to risk us getting sick, but it’s still total crap.

I’ve realized the way I’m an amazing mom is that I’m planning the activities. The picnics with friends, the visits to the Children’s Museum or Aquarium or zoo. We do outings. I see my friends as often as possible.  Being home constantly like this, just us, without a break—it’s hard. I loathe playing on the floor with her. I know she’s lonely. She wants to play with her friends and I’m all she has right now. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t feel like a very good mom lately.