Corona Diaries: Episode 3

This has become some sort of annoying dream where I’m doing the same thing over and over. Every day is the same. Nothing changes and I hate the fact we can’t resume life as normal. But I know we’re safe. I hope. We don’t have the same level of exposure as my fellow health care professionals have. They’re reusing masks. Emelia’s physical therapist had to wear the same mask all day while working with the essential kiddos. Nurses are being rationed one N95 a week. Five uses and they can bring it to administration to get a new one. They’re being told to reuse gloves and wash them. Use hand sanitizer even though alcohol breaks down gloves. A nurse in New York died and I think that shook us all up. He was a nurse manager, someone who doesn’t have regular patient exposure and he died. And it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry at our government. At the CDC who is relaxing the rules that are supposed to protect us from harm and treating these lax safety procedures like they’re scientifically-backed when really it’s a supply issue. There aren’t enough masks. There aren’t enough gloves. Our government wasn’t prepared for a pandemic and therefore, neither were the hospitals.

These are the things I try to keep in mind when I think about my own life and home. We’re OK. We’re healthy. We’re hopefully not incubating a virus but the paranoia is real. One day I was feeling like I was a little breathless and couldn’t stop fixating on that. I’m fine now, so who knows what that was.

My work life

I’ve spent this week working on edits for an article and just accepted a piece for a new publication. After that, there’s nothing scheduled, but I’m taking everything as it comes. I’ve been going back and forth between feeling irritated and useless with the lack of work to feeling grateful that it’s one less thing to focus on since everything else is so overwhelming. I checked in with a potential new client for a project I interviewed for that would have given me steady hours, but the project has been put on hold due to the virus.

My kids

Olivia has been doing school a lot this week with Chris in his office while we worked so that I could get some work done. Our checkoff list schedule has kind of taken a hiatus, so I know we’ll need to get back to it on Monday.

She’s doing well with the fact that she’s abruptly no longer in daycare and preschool and probably won’t be for a long time. Her teachers sent her an email and we had sent them back photos of her holding a sign saying how much she misses them. I think I’m having a harder than her. It just makes me so sad.

My home life

My house. Tis pretty clean. I’m here all the time, so there’s a lot of cleaning happening when everything else is feeling so out of control. Let me be perfectly clear in that nothing about this virus and the shelter-in-place order is not-so-bad or not a big deal. But there is a certain slowness that exists and hey, most of that sucks for someone who loves to be out and about, but there’s time to clean the floors weekly or more. There’s time to make the beds and pick up the bedrooms every day. There’s time to make bread like we’re all Little House on the Prairie. I’m reading more. I’m trying to not think too far ahead, so I’m taking every day as it comes.

Besides for leaving to go to Emelia’s PT, I haven’t left. We’ve been using Shipt and Walmart delivery for everything. I sent Chris out to run to the post office and made him bring a glove to open the doors. I feel too paranoid right now, even though I know we’re going to need to put gas in the car and that’s another trip out and another potential for exposure.

But Chris and Olivia did make homemade English muffins that tasted like heaven, so that helps the isolation. Do those two things even connect? They do now.

My marriage

We haven’t threatened divorce yet, but it’s been interesting being around each other for three solid weeks without ever time apart. I mean, overall, we’re good. I don’t feel like a lot has changed, but we do get a lot of conversations done throughout the day instead of when we’re hanging out at the end of the night. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

In March, we were supposed to have date night, and then mid-month, we were all at home and thought we’d do take out. Then more restaurants started closing and we missed it. I know the best thing is to order in food after the kids are asleep and pretend we’re out on an actual date and everything is normal, but who are we kidding?

My mental health

Knowing this is all going to be going on for a lot longer — it sucks. It’s hard to think too far ahead because I just feel really depressed. I saw all the park beaches and pools will be closed this summer. This means all summer events won’t be happening. The State Fair, Game Fair, all the events we look forward to this summer. I can’t think too much about it. It’s so depressing. So instead, I’m trying to not look further than a week out. I have all my ingredients for Easter next week for just the four of us. I have the kids’ Easter baskets ready to go. We’ll still make it special for Olivia. But it’s weird.

My social life

I haven’t been talking with my friends as much as I would have hoped. I need to be better at reaching out because I know some of them are now homeschooling their kids. Some have gone silent and I don’t know if it’s just survival mode or what. So it’s been more lonely than I wanted it to be, but I know I’ve also been trying to finish up my article when I had some free time. I’ve been Skyping with my parents and I know they’re having a hard time not being able to see their grandkids.

It’s supposed to get up into the 70s this week and I’m looking forward to that.