The day before I turned 6 weeks, I spent about 80% of my day sleeping. I’d barely found out I was pregnant and hadn’t even told many people, but already I was feeling like a failure.
On Sunday, my official 6-week milestone, I laid on the downstairs couch like a sloth while Chris went for a three-hour run in preparation for his upcoming marathon. I watched TV with the girls, sort of parented, and dozed off periodically.
Chris has been doing a lot since finding out I was pregnant. It was like suddenly a switch came on and my body just shut down with everything else except growing this baby. He got the kids ready for school and out the door. He picked the girls up from school because I was usually sleeping in the afternoon. He cooked. He cleaned up the kitchen. He (mostly) got the kids ready for bed.
I’m so freaking tired.
Since stopping my antidepressant a few days ago, the dizziness and brain buzzing have gotten worse. It’s hard to focus on things. But this past Tuesday, I wrote and submitted two articles and felt like that was my win for the week. Olivia has been apparently asking Chris why I’m sleeping so much. To her, I’m sleeping when she gets ready for school and I’m sleeping when she gets home. It’s tough to hear.
I ended up biting the bullet and calling my old clinic where the doctor that delivered Emelia practices. They’re a pro-life clinic and I wondered if they would let me do genetic testing. My acupuncturist advised me to call them and ask because if it was something they didn’t do (don’t get me started on medical clinics making decisions based on their religion) I would start out at my local clinic and transfer care later in my pregnancy.
I called and was surprised to hear that yes, they do the genetic screening.
“Would you like to make an appointment?” the receptionist asked. I hesitated and then agreed. I’m seeing my doctor next week for a pregnancy confirmation appointment and I have no idea what that will entail, but it looks like the cat’s out of the bag, at least in my medical record.
Unfortunately, later that day was hard. I’ve recently (as in the last few weeks) had an influx of new clients looking for me to take on work and normally this would be a good thing. But now, when all I want to do is sleep and I can barely function taking care of my kids, it’s overwhelming. And disheartening. I’ve worked all year to hit an income goal and I was on my way there. Now, I don’t know what the rest of the year is going to look like.
I don’t know if it’s because I was withdrawing from the medication or if this is hormones but I just feel, in a way, kind of resentful of everything. I didn’t ask for this. I was doing fine with my life and moving on and suddenly this happens and now I just feel like I’m in survival mode and I can’t even function.
I knew this was nothing new. I mean, I was in survival mode for my other two pregnancies in the first trimester. I wasn’t living or thriving, I was just literally trying to get through the day. But those were….planned. Anticipated.
A few days ago I had a huge dry heave after sneezing and a few days prior to that I dry heaved after trying to take a pill and sprayed water everywhere and then I cried. Today, Chris and I took an afternoon walk and I told him a little bit about what I was feeling but I still feel alone in this. The buzzing in my head from withdrawing from the Paxil just really sucks. If I don’t move I’m fine but once the girls come home from school it’s just really hard to function. And I’m short of breath and I’m bloated. Basically, my life sucks and everyone feel sorry for me, okay?
And for how exhausted I’ve been, my sleep at night has sucked, whether it’s due to pregnancy or just stress. I wake every hour throughout the night even though I’m so tired I can’t stand it. I started taking the Calm magnesium gummies because they helped last time combat the constipation issues, but even taking those with Unisom, I still don’t sleep. I did have one decent night where I took Benedryl instead and actually slept all night.
Oh, and the cravings. Those have started. Pizza. Pizza all the time. One night Chris brought home cookie dough and made chocolate chip cookies because I was craving them all afternoon. Of course, by the time he made them I was on to Panera’s broccoli cheddar soup with a baguette.
After last week, when I just spent it really upset and angry, I’m now feeling like I’m overthinking everything. We need a bigger vehicle. We probably need a minivan. What are we going to do about school since two in private school was a financial stretch—three is probably not going to happen. Everything with my business. I’m so grateful to have a job that I control so I can work more when I need to and cut back during times like…well times like this. But now I have no idea what things are going to look like for the rest of the year and the entire 2023. How can I work a ton when I have a baby at home?
I’m working on giving myself grace to let myself just survive this trimester. I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if this baby will be born or if I will miscarry. There is just so much up in the air. Right now I’m trying to focus on these girls and making the most of those good moments.
