For everyone’s sake, I hope the next post I write is nothing like this pile of word vomit. But today you get word vomit, and I hope to gawd you’ve all been vaccinated.
These past two weeks have been pretty shit-tastic. Really. A wicked good time. See, there was the incredible time I had being pregnant for a week, only to lose my baby in a term called a “chemical pregnancy.” Then, I couldn’t even think about my 5 year anniversary for a week, because we miscarried on that day. Then my little childhood doggie, Maggie, was put to sleep after 17 years, the following Friday.
She literally died with my arms around her and my sister holding her head. But it doesn’t stop the hurt. We’ve been going through some major stressful changes in my job, and I am losing the best co-workers I have ever had. Then Chris gets teased with this amazeballs job at his work that would give us All The Money to afford more treatments, but now there is a kink in that, and it may not even come to be. My middle sister is planning on moving out of state, two months after my littlest sister left.
I’m not sleeping. At all. Last weekend I finalized plans for my necklace to honor baby Adam, and I thought that was going to give me some closure. And it did. But since the miscarriage, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in two weeks. I’m sucking down coffee, but it’s not working.
As for the grief, wow. Grief is a funny thing. It can hit you when you least expect it. I can be in the car, with the windows down, laughing at something Chris says, and this wave rushes over me. And suddenly, I can’t breathe. And I want my baby. And the breakdown begins. Last night, I walked past my pregnancy tests that were still laying out on my dresser. I can’t move them. I saw the last test I took, about six hours before I got the call that he wasn’t going to make it. The strong pink line. And it makes me think this is all some cosmic joke. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced.
We have decided to take this cycle off. The thought of going back to the pills, multiple daily injections, monitoring, all-things dildo cams, and emotional/physical side effects makes me even more tired than I already am. So I have a month to have my body for myself. But the insurance money is gone.
We are doing the Attain Program. Assuming, of course, that we qualify. For those of you who don’t know how it works, here’s a little diddy:
After talking with the insurance company, we found out monitoring costs are covered under our medical insurance. So that saves us about $6,000.
We are taking out a $17,000 loan against the 401K. For $17,000 we get three fresh and up to three frozen cycles of IVF. If there is no preshus baybee sleeping in our crib when all is said and done, we get that money back. If we get pregnant by the third IVF cycle, we save thousands of dollars. If it takes us two cycles, we pretty much break even. But if we get pregnant our first cycle of Attain, well, that’s a $17,000 baby right there.
Is it worth it? A thousand times over, yes.
But it makes me bitter.
It makes me bitter that pregnancy comes so easy for so many, and we are up to our necks in debt, doing something that doesn’t even guarantee a child. It makes me bitter that so many complain about their children, while I know I will have to go back to injections, and hot flashes, crying spells, and the overwhelming terror that all of this is just going to lead to more babies lost.
And then that thinking makes me feel like shit, because I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.
So. We are moving forward. For those who know me in real life, if I insist on always eating at Taco Bell, and would rather spend the day canning green beans than going shopping, it’s because we are trying to buy a baby.
I’m poor.
*sigh* I am so sorry Risa. This is a money game, isn't it. It isn't fair. Life isn't fair. I hope and pray that you qualify for Attain. Taking a break for a month is good. I have never gotten a BFP before but I can only imagine what you're going through. Hang in there girl.
Hello from ICLW. So sorry for your miscarriage! I cannot even imagine how difficult that must be.
I think doing the 3 cycle program is a great idea. It gives some insurance so you don't have to worry about "next steps".
Basically it comes down to this….all of this just plain sucks. We should not have lost our babies. No one should ever feel that pain! I still experience those waves of grief. I can't help but think about where I should be in my pregnancy right now. I hate that pregnancy comes so easily to some, while we wonder if we can afford to continue with treatments or adoption. It's not fair and it sucks! I don't really know any other way to put it!
Do you ever just want to stand outside and scream obscenities at the sky? Cause. I think you deserve to.
I don't even know what to say, except that my thoughts are with you during this time. And thank you for blogging through it, even though it has to be even more difficult to relive it each time. I'm sure it helps others that have been through it and can't talk about it…and it helps me when I think about what could happen. You are amazing.
I'm so sorry for all the crap you have been going through. It sucks and is really unfair. WE did 3 IVF cycles with CRM, never did have a BFP. We didn't do the Attain Program back then, but that's because my job had (some) infertility coverage then. $17K is a good deal for the Attain Program because it would have cost us over $30K to sign up. But then again, we are older and probably would have been kicked out of the program right aways coz I have crappy eggs.
Anyway, yes I agree. In the end, it will be all worth it when you have a precious little one in your arm.
Praying for you sweet girl. I just went through a chemical pregnancy too (only a few days after you – we cycled almost the exact same time). It hurts to come so far, but have it taken away so quickly. We will both get there, our miracles are just waiting for us <3
Risa, this post just breaks my heart for you. I've been there. We had a chemical pregnancy, then a miscarriage at 9w,5d. I understand your pain and I'm so sorry you and Chris are having to go through it. I hope that you qualify for the Attain program. We were denied, but we are older and my numbers didn't meet their baseline since I have DOR. I will be praying for you, crossing my fingers, and all that jazz. Please try to take care of yourself and get some sleep. Take the time you need on this cycle off to heal and allow your body and mind to be in the right place for this next cycle.
So sorry. And I wish there was something that I could say to make it better. Just know that so many people are thinking of you and agree that it completely sucks that you are going through this.
Sigh. I'm sorry Risa. Your clinic should have a counselor who specializes in this type of grief. Give 'em a call if it gets unbearable. When I had my miscarriage I instantly had to get rid of everything that reminded me of our baby. Tests, pictures, etc… Not in an attempt to forget but to give myself what I needed to heal. There's still something missing but it hurts less everyday. I have good days and bad days. I push myself to have more good days. I pray you get there too. Again – I'm so sorry Risa. None of us deserve this.
Oh Risa. I know so many of the feelings that you have. Every single thing about IF is horrible :(. Still thinking of you… xoxo
The financial side of this has become the most painful part to me… the feelings of guilt, of jealousy: it has changed me, and I'm not sure it's changing me for the better in the least little bit. We're thinking about loans as well… we have so much student loan debt, what's another $18,000 I say? But really, it's $18,000 for ONE chance at IVF… that's a pretty hefty gamble, and I'm not a betting woman. But you're right, it IS worth it, and we will never know until we try! Wishing you all the best during your time off!
I am new to your blog and I want to say I am sorry your are going through this. This journey brings nothing but rollercoaster emotions, to top it off it brings financial stress.
Risa, I am so sorry you are being smashed with everything at once. We, too, are in "baby" debt and we have no coverage for the majority of our treatments. It is crazy. We are taking this month off for my body to recover, mentally and physically, and it is SO worth it. I am still feeling the hormones, but with each day hope to feel better. I am thinking of you and wish you ONLY good things from now on.
🙁 I know how disheartened you must feel…*hugs*
Amen, sister. I love that someecard, btw. SO TRUE.
I was wondering and I'm glad you brought up next steps. I think that plan sounds awesome, and while $17K sucks right now, when you hold that little baybee in your arms it simply won't matter. You can't put a price that.
As for the grief – yes, you describe it perfectly. You never know when it's going to hit, even in happy moments. Just let it ride. Let yourself feel it, grieve for what you lost, and know that sunnier days are always right around the corner. Big hugs to you. I'm so glad you have a plan for the future and also that you're taking a break. We could end up being cycle buddies next round!
I have been praying for you! It takes time. When the moments of grief come let yourself grieve, really give in to it. I wish I would have earlier but I couldn't, I pushed it away. I think the Attain program sounds great. I would make the same decision you made. I am so sorry about Maggie 🙁 I will be praying for you and that you guys qualify! I love your blog, you are still funny!
**Hugs** I can't say anything that everyone else hasn't already said so perfectly.
Don't ever apologize for feeling bitter. This is a shit hand we've been dealt and there is nothing pleasant about going into debt just for the *chance* to maybe have a baby. Own those feelings, even the rotten ones and over time you'll find a way to work through it. Taking a month off is a really good idea. You will have more time to process your feelings and be prepared for the roller coaster of another fresh IVF cycle. Thinking of you…
I think you're *still* really funny. And if anyone has earned the right to be completely un-funny, it's you. You have had the worst couple of weeks. I am so sorry – about all of it. I'm pulling for you.
Just let yourself keep grieving and give yourself all the time you need. It's been four months since my early loss, and I still get the sudden waves of sorrow and panic you described. At first, I kept putting so much pressure on myself to move forward and stop grieving, but just accepting that it's going to take time has given me some peace. Also, I agree with other commenters, you are still a very funny lady 🙂 This post still made me smile even though I know the subject matter is heavy.
I know the financial side of this is brutal, but to me what better way is there to spend money than on a baby? Would I rather have a house or nice clothes or even a cushy retirement package than a baby? Ha. I think we know the answer to that one. And that plan you described actually sounds pretty good to me, especially the part about getting your money back if you don't end up with a baby. So it looks to me like there are two basic outcomes: 1.) Baby(ies), which, yes, did cost a whole hell of a lot of money–Win! Totally worth it and AMAZING outcome. 2.) No baby(ies), but you get your money back–sad outcome, but the money is back in the bank and you can regroup and think of the next step. So I think you've come up with a great plan and have wonderful things ahead!
Sending thoughts your way!
I just started following your blog, so I don't know your back story, but my heart aches for you. DH and I have only begun TTC…I can only imagine four years of it. I pray that your journey has a happy ending!
Grief is a funny thing. I'm blown away by how I can think I'm completely fine, and then I just get blindsided. Thinking of you during this difficult time…
I, for one, still think you're pretty funny. It's just hiding right now.
So sorry about all of this. Your pup, your sister…everything.
It was really great to see you yesterday. I could have stayed at that table forever, but I think our server would have been pissed. (-:
Ugggg! That WAS a shit-tastic series of events. I'm so sorry lady. And I agree – the money part is infuriating. It just shouldn't be so hard for anyone. Ever.
Girl, what a super shit-tastic time! (I love shit-tastic and will be stealing it from you!) Last summer I had to put my dog to sleep after going through multiple surgeries in an attempt to save his life…we even amputated his entire leg and scapula. Smack in the middle of our nightmare I had my surgery to remove all the polyps in my uterus. (I know it doesn't compare to miscarriage) My dog was only 8. I loved him SO MUCH. It literally was the worst time in my life. He died in my arms. I was a mess for months. Seriously, months. I became an expert at crying while driving because every time I was alone and had time for my mind to wander I immediately relived losing him. I am so sorry you have to add this grief on top of your baby grief. Its not fair. I kept thinking to myself (and still do) that it was so unfair that not only could I not have my own baby but on top of that my fur baby got taken from me WAY too soon. I guess we won the shit lottery.
I"m sorry you're struggling right now and I totally understand. The emotional aspect of all of this is so huge and then the financial aspect is overwhelming. I hate that I have to make decisions about the possibility of my future children because of money. I.E. Do you put back one embryo or two? I don't want to risk losing twins again but I also don't want yet another failed cycle… it sucks. Take care of yourself and give it some time. The pain doesn't go away but it will get easier to bear.
I'm so sorry that you've had so much going on – losing your beloved dog on top of the miscarriage is awful. And I hear you about cycle costs – they are so incredibly expensive. I love the graphic at the bottom – it pretty much sums up things, doesn't it? I'm sorry you and Chris are stuck in the middle of all of this, and will be thinking of both of you.