My husband and I met on a float trip back in 2007.  As I got to know him I knew this was someone special.  I’m lucky he felt the same way, and in June 2011 we were married.  In August of that year, we decided to try having a baby.  I had a feeling the job might not be too easy. What I didn’t know was how immensely hard the job would be.  I have PCOS, which is an endocrine disorder that interferes with insulin and hormone levels causing all kinds of fun issues in a woman’s body, including being overweight, acne, unwanted hair, and infertility due to anovulation.

I started off with my OBGYN, who prescribed Clomid and timed intercourse. When after two months on Clomid 50mg I did not ovulate, my doctor referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist, who is a doctor specializing in infertility.  It took going to an RE to get the PCOS diagnosed officially, even though the signs were obvious.  I was referred to one RE, but was not satisfied with that office, so eventually, we switched to the clinic I am at now.  So far we have tried a total of 7 cycles of Clomid.  I do ovulate on 150 mg.  I also found out in December that not only can I ovulate, but I can also get pregnant. We had our first BFP.

Sitting here typing this, I’m feeling this flood of emotions.  Seven months later and, though I am past the tough grieving stages, I’m still deeply affected.  I was supposed to wait until 14DPO to take a pregnancy test but I knew something was different.  I can’t totally place why, but I just knew, so on 13DPO I took a test and sure enough I saw my first ever positive pregnancy test.  I was in shock.  I happened to be off work that week so the first thing I did was go to the store and buy something to use to tell my husband our news. I had thought about this before, how I would tell him he was going to be a daddy.  But, suddenly nothing seemed good enough.  It had to be special.  It had to be just right.  Walking down the aisles of Target, it came to me.

You see, something about me that you wouldn’t know if you don’t know me is that I love shoes.  And I have a lot.  And my husband picks on me for this.  So when I passed the women’s shoes I saw a pair of cute leopard print flats. I bought those, a pair of newborn boots, and pink and blue tissue paper. I came home and took the women’s shoes out of the box and put the tissue paper in first, then the two little bitty boots that our sweet little one would wear. I was so anxious for him to get home and when he did I casually gave him the box to show him the new shoes I bought.  When he rolled his eyes I promised him he would like them and that they were worth the purchase.  He opened the box while I was anxiously smiling and giddy standing next to him.  It took him a minute to catch on to the message, but I’ll never forget the look on his face when he did.  He had the biggest eyes, a giant smile, and he said, ‘We did it?!”  Yes, my love, we did it.  We sat on the couch curled up in each other and we talked about everything husbands and wives talk about when they are expecting.  Yes, we even talked about names.  We had our little piece of heaven.

That was a Monday.  I called the RE’s office the next day and we scheduled my first beta for Wednesday.  When we got those results back, we were told the number was low (15), but that it could just be a “late implanter.”  They had me go back in 48 hours wanting to see that number double, which it did, but barely.  The next beta stayed the same.  That’s when we were told it was over.  I had started bleeding around that time so I wasn’t surprised.  I had to do about 7-8 betas because my hCG was not going down.  Eventually, I had to go for an ultrasound.  At this point, I would have been about 7 weeks pregnant.  At the ultrasound they found a small empty sac measuring about 4 weeks.  Since there was still a sac I had to take a medication that the doctor inserted to complete the miscarriage. The whole process from start to finish took about a month for the beta to come back down to zero.

For myself to be in this emotional pain is one thing, but to see the tears in my husband’s eyes is gut-wrenching.  Sometimes I feel like I did something wrong.  How could I build him up and then tear him back down like that??  Yes, I know it’s not my fault, but the mind makes us think irrationally sometimes.  But my husband, you see, he is the best person I know.  Our infertility is because of me, but it’s ours to deal with together.  Yet on the days that I am weak, he stands tall and strong. One day I just want to switch places with him so I can stand tall and strong for him.  Husbands hurt though this too and I want everyone to know this.

So fast forward to where we are now.  It has been two years since we started trying to have a baby.  I have done a total of 7 cycles of Clomid with timed intercourse.  The miscarriage was our only pregnancy.  This month we switched to Femara with timed intercourse.  However, I recently had surgery on a finger that I broke and we’ve been told by our RE that we should not try this month (due to the anesthesia and pain meds).  Our plan as of right now is to do four months of Femara (two with timed intercourse and two with IUI).  As of right now if those don’t bring us our baby, we will be looking at IVF.  There are other options to consider, including adoption, foster parenting, and child-free living.  We have a plan to do IVF, but plans could change when we are ready to make that decision.  For now, we do our best to stay focused on the present.  It’s not healthy to worry too much about the what if’s.