I had a lot of time to think while I was on bed rest. Actually, my best friend and my parents were over all day Saturday, so there wasn’t much time to think which was good.
But Friday I got home, and immediately texted my friend Emily and told her what happened. She’s amazing. She told me to practice visualizing, that my little embryo was in there and to imagine it implanting. She told me to light a candle, to rub lotion on my hands and breathe in the scent, a sort of aromatherapy. I felt better after that.
Saturday morning, Chris had to bring Toby to the vet for blood work so I was alone. I had a lot of time to think about my body. Our first IVF we had ten eggs, five of them fertilized, three became embryos, and only one made it. This time we got eight eggs, and four were fertilized with ICSI. Only one made it.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It’s not enough that I compare myself to people who have no trouble conceiving, but now I find myself comparing myself against others going through IVF. Those who have multiple embryos able to be transferred and freeze the rest. That was supposed to be me. But once again, I was left with one. If this doesn’t work, it will be on to my third IVF. And I never saw that coming. I remember back a year ago how strange it felt to be starting IUIs. And now here I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) with my second IVF. I have shit for eggs. Clearly. ICSI was supposed to get us more embryos. That didn’t happen. And Saturday, thinking about that, the tears started again.
So the visualization was tried again. I visualized all the negative energy leaving my body, literally flowing off me. It’s amazing how well that works.
That’s how my bed rest has been. Battling the negativity. Yes, I have this one. I am PUPO. The others didn’t make it, but there is no reason that this one won’t. But it’s different this time around. The first IVF, we had so much hope. I was so excited. I talked to everyone, referring to the embryo as “my baby.”
Now, it’s different. I talk that way with Chris, but I think everyone else is uncomfortable with it. Like it’s not a baby until there is a heartbeat. I’m not going to be doing that anymore. I’m actually glad I am off work this week and part of the next. It allows me to control who I see and who I talk about it to. As I said, it’s different this time around. I need this time to be selfish and to think about me, my husband and my baby. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. For those of you reading this who have been that anchor for me during the last few days, Meagan, Jules, Devon, Emily…You girls have no idea how much you’ve helped me survive this bed rest. For acknowledging my one, but helping me mourn the others, for telling me to stay strong, but not punishing me for admitting my negativity. Thank you. For all my blogging buddies, who left such inspiring comments yesterday, thank you. For Mel, and Mom and Dad, providing me with some awesome distraction Saturday, thank you.
Last night, I was reading blogs, when I came to a post about pineapple core and implantation. Basically there is this enzyme in the core called Bromelain that helps with implantation. You eat it for five days starting with the day of transfer. Well, I was two days out when I read this and immediately sent Chris out for a pineapple. I ate one section last night and one day so far. I don’t know how well it works if you don’t do it on the day of transfer, but I guess better late than never.
Let me tell you, it feels great being able to eat vertical again. And shower. That was good too.
I don’t even know where I am in my transfer. Technically, I am 3dp6dt (three days post-six day transfer) but is that accurate if my embryo wasn’t even a blast at transfer? I have no idea what is going on in my uterus right now, but hopefully, that little one is still in there, doing its thing…whatever it is it’s doing.
I wish and pray so much that your little embie is THE ONE! I believe that you are making that amazing baby that you will see in less than 9 months. We both are! Prayers and baby dust to you! *HUGS*
bed rest following a transfer sounds really awful… so much time to think, and worry, and wonder, and spiral into the dark abyss! I'm beginning to understand how much IVF #1 is like throwing darts blindfolded… no one knows how we will respond, how many eggs we will get, how many will fertilize, how they will grow. I think we all assume that we will be "the norm"… that we will have embryos to freeze, that we will have successful fertilization, etc. I'm kind of starting to wonder just how "normal" that is. Thinking of you and your baby! Praying it's in there doing its thing!
I have faith and hope for your little embryo! I know it would be so hard to relax but I hope you spend your time away from work doing something fun!
It sounds like you have some amazing friends!
Risa, thinking of you. Always. There are many many prayers being said for you, Chris, Adam and your new baby as well as for the loss of the others. XOXO
Rooting for you so much! I should go eat some pineapple core too! I've heard this before. I'm drinking copious amounts of raspberry leaf tea…you might want to add that to your weapon stash!
I've heard of the pineapple thing. For a couple months I got on a kick of eating the core every single month (while cycling naturally) during the 'implantation window' just because. Ha. Not all that delicious, but not the worst 'cycle enhancer' I can think of…
Thinking of you and praying for the one! I agree with Amanda G– being on bedrest and having unlimited time to think and overthink sounds just MISERABLE!
Thinking about you!!!
if you eat too much pineapple, it really hurts and makes sores in your mouth! so be careful for that one, no fun!
and i am right there with you love – hoping that beeb is in there growing and doin its thang! you are so strong! xxo
That's what I've heard. I may tone it down, and just make sure I get the core and a little extra 🙂
Yeah it pretty much tastes like pineapple plastic. 🙂 Bedrest was tough, but blogging, commenting and reading have been distracting me today!
Interesting… Where can you get that?
Thanks so much friend! 🙂
I know. These last two cycles have made me realize there is no "normal" in IVF.
I hope so, for the both of us. Prayers and baby dust to you too!
Praying sticky thoughts! Keep visualizing that baby getting all snug. 🙂
I just keep thinking about how that stringy pineapple core would get do stuck in my teeth. Ha! Whatever works! I say go for it! Praying so hard you guys!
I hope that this one works for you Risa. I think you are so strong for going through this, for having the strength after all that has happened this year. You inspire me. Just know that we are all crossing our fingers for you. 🙂
Praying that ur lil one is cozing up in there. I've also heard of the pineapple core. Eat with moderation.
It's definitely hard to be positive after transfer, especially when things haven't been going the way you'd hoped up to now. For what it's worth, I don't think it matters and what's going to happen will happen. Don't beat yourself up if you can't muster a ton of optimism. We get it.
I think the pressure to be optimistic will add stress to your bed-rest time. It's normal to compare yourself to other IVF patients–everyone does it.
–Ellen
I am rooting for you and that babe like crazy! Also, one of my yoga teachers had some advice that kind of grounded me…lay with your legs against the wall, stretched up with your butt slightly elevated on a pillow or something. Put your hands on your belly and think some really good thoughts like, "Thank you baby for getting cozy in my uterus and for making it your home for the next 9 months. We love you so much already." etc, etc, etc. It felt super cheesy, but I found myself doing it throughout the day. And I think I OD'd on pineapple. It was ridic.
Thinking of you during the next few days. Special thanks to you, you are the one who helped me confirm that yes, I needed two vials on nun-pee to make a 150 IU dose. I wonder if as health care professionals the staff at our clinics figure they don't need to tell us as much as regular patients, but if I didn't connect with other bloggers, I be completely in the dark. I basically had to tell them that I felt like I was navigating this by myself before I actually got an outline, and the nurse even gave me a copy of my RE's own notes. "we're here for you" she told me, that's great, but why did I have to go to you to get info. Anyway, I'm digressing, but my point that I can't imagine going through this if I didn't connect with other bloggers and I had to give you particular thanks. We are always here for you.
I always found the 2ww following a transfer to be the hardest part of the whole process. After all, you have time to think and there's really nothing you can actively do to control the outcome. But I will tell you what my therapist told me: visualize your family. Visualize all aspects, from holding your baby, to family vacations/adventures to what they'll look like in the years to come. Because those moments of happiness, though they seem futile, will help you get through this.
I'm thinking of you, lady. And hoping with my whole heart.
First, I think Emily is amazing! Great advice she gave you.
I you are comparing yourself to other IVFers, you are still way ahead of me, so be sure not to put yourself in the lowest caragory. Lol. I'm sad for you that this cycle didn't turn out the way you had hoped, but still holding out for the happy ending. I do know how it feels to have time running out on you, to only have one more cycle left. Crossing my fingers that this little embaby is growing strong. As for how to count where your at, I would think you'd still keep the same count even if it started out as a slow grower. That's just my opinion though, and who knows if it's right!
Hang in there. It's disappointing for sure, knowing it could have gone better. You're in my thoughts and prayers!
Thinking of you and hoping for you.
I've been thinking about you a lot recently, Risa. My fingers are crossed for you and Chris.
Oh Risa. Try to stay positive. I know how hard it is and how unfair it seems that you have so few embryos. I totally get it. And I'm sorry you're not a one IVF and done. But i truly hope this little embies stick and you get your happy ending. Thinking of you!
I completely understand being upset about not having any embryos to freeze. It's really hard not to compare yourself to others, but we all have different bodies, hormones, etc. so try not to get down. Nothing you can do about the cycle…..focus on the fact that you are PUPO! YAY PUPO!
Thinking of you, and praying for a sticky bean! 🙂
Risa, I know exactly what you're saying about comparing yourself to people who can make many embryos and have some to freeze. My first cycle I went through a roller coaster. Got 4 eggs and only one made it to a morula on day 5. We waited until day 6 and it did turn into a blastocyst. Didn't get to transfer because it was past the optimal window for that. Round 2, got 4 eggs and nothing survived. I know exactly how that feels. It is a very tough road but it seems like you have a lot of support. I am rooting for you that this little survivor will continue to be strong and sticky. 🙂
I'm praying for you, girl!! And I totally know what you mean about comparing your cycles to others… it's so hard not to… but I have high, high, HIGH hopes for your one little embryo! xoxo