Upon entering into our third in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle, my husband and I knew this was the last time trying for a baby with my own eggs. We had months to discuss it beforehand, weighing our options, and finally came to the conclusion that if that final cycle failed, donor eggs would be our next step. However, it would seem that talking about the possibility of donor eggs and actually going through with it are two different things.
The truth is, facing a cycle using another woman’s eggs is wrought with emotions—some good and some ugly. Here are five emotions I had to work through before I popped that first fertility pill for my donor egg cycle, and if you feel these too, you are not alone.
1. Sadness That I Need to Consider Donor Eggs
There is unique grief that comes when a woman is unable to have a child that is biologically related to her. It’s a type of loss that is hard to understand until you yourself have experienced it. Looking back, I realized it was the grief that hit me first, and the emotion I lived with the longest. This baby wouldn’t share my genetics. He or she probably wasn’t going to look like me. Not recognizing myself in my future child was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face, but the only thing that scared me more was not having a child at all.
2. Intense Outrage Toward My “Failing” Body
After the shock of the initial grief wore off, I was left with an intense outrage at my body, for failing to do something that seemed like every other woman was capable of— getting pregnant with her own eggs. Even after hearing the gentle words of comfort from my fertility doctor that this was nothing I could have prevented, that my eggs were bad long before I could bear children, I was still mad.
After everything I had to go through with fertility treatments, it still wasn’t enough to get me pregnant. Not only was I feeling bitter about women who didn’t have to struggle to get pregnant, but now I was resentful toward my own sisters in infertility, the ones who still had to endure IVF, but could still have a baby who shared their DNA. It was a lonely feeling.
Read the rest of this post over at FertilitySmarts.
