I knew my life with two kids was going to be a big adjustment. In fact, during my pregnancy I would sit in my therapist’s office, holding my decaf coffee from McDonald’s and tell her how freaked out I was to be adding another baby to our family even though I a) wished for this for a long time, b) was so incredibly grateful for the opportunity that our final embryo transfer worked, and c) was infertile for so long and was probably appearing like a giant ass for—once again—complaining about getting the chance to have two kids).
I talked a lot about it. Maybe on some level, my whole infertility experience was playing a role in my impostor syndrome. Hopelessly infertile = unable to think about having two kids.
I mean, people do this all the time, going from one kid to two. Or more. Many people have more than two. The moms at my MOPS group for instance. They’d come in pushing a stroller with three or four kids trailing behind, makeup on, hair on point and I was red-faced and frizzy from tackling my single toddler into the car seat that morning. Or, you know, I wouldn’t even see them walk in because I was running ten minutes late because my time-management sucks and I underestimated the fact that Olivia was putting her own shoes on now and shootmeintheassyourshoesareonthewrongfeetOMG!
I could barely take care of one kid during the day and now I’m adding a second?
But then Emelia arrived early, I spent an obscene amount of time in the hospital, and then there was that whole NICU thing. If I thought I was going to be a terrible mom to two, I had nothing on the mom who had a kid on a monitor 24/7 and a kid at home who wasn’t understanding any of it and having a tough time since her mom disappeared.
It took me a long time to get my head back in the game. While I wasn’t opposed to taking them out in public alone, I tried to do everything possible not to have to do that. Chris worked from home in the mornings for almost three months after Emelia was born, and when he went back to work, my first day doing daycare drop off for Olivia went pretty well. The next day not so much and I found myself frustrated and annoyed the whole day.
Overall, things have been a little better. There are little conundrums I find myself in now with two of them that I know will take a long time to get comfortable with.
Navigating daycare drop off so I’m not leaving Emelia in the car parked on the street while I run into the house.
Preschool drop off and pick up where I lug the big stroller that connects with the baby’s car seat in and out of the building (a feat that literally takes minutes, but we no longer live in a world of locking the doors and leaving the kid in the car lest we wind up in jail).
Olivia throwing a public tantrum while I’m struggling with a car seat.
One needing a diaper change or pee stop and figuring out what to do with the other one.
I know everyone goes through it, but it’s been just as hard as I was anticipating.
During one preschool morning, Olivia had slipped both shoes off onto the floor of the car as we were driving. It was -10° F and when we arrived I had to go open her door, give her a talking-to about going shoeless when it was ass-cold out (only I left the ass part out), unbuckle her, close her door, open the trunk, pull out the stroller, roll up to Emelia’s side, snap her in, roll to the other side, and let Olivia out only to see she’s still putting on her shoes. My fingers went numb and I kept babbling to her about her sister being cold and we’re not going to be doing this anymore. I help her out, shut her door, start going until I realize I forgot her backpack, backtrack to the car, open the passenger side to grab her backpack, shut the door and start walking again before – shitskies – I forgot to lock the door so I backtrack to the car to lock it.
The chicken with its head cut off? I feel that daily.
There are days when I feel like all I do is run from one kid’s needs to the next. I’m nursing the baby to find out Olivia is in the bathroom and wants me to wipe her and then the baby is screeching, so I go to her and pick her up but Olivia wants new water for her paints, but the baby pooped and then Olivia needs a snack, but now the baby is really screeching, but MOM! I DWOPPED DA WATER CUP! and a sickly green puddle is on my kitchen floor and I can’t even say it was my clean floor because it’s been about five weeks since it was swept and probably longer since it was mopped whew.
The house is now messier if I could believe that was possible, because now in addition to everything Olivia takes out I have burp cloths and balled up pee diapers all over and no less than three of my shirts strewn around the furniture because when I get home from somewhere, I strip off into just my nursing tank because who has time for anything else when you’re nursing every two hours.
Always in various stages of undress.
Of course, there are some really good things about having another child. Emelia is obsessed with her sister and staring at her all day is the Best Thing Ever. Olivia helps me remember to place toys around Emelia when I’ve forgotten and Emelia is appearing forlorn. She loves kissing her little sister’s feet and PEE-YOUing! when I change a diaper and calls Emelia “Fussy Jane” during all the screeching which always makes me laugh and forget that I’m falling apart over a baby who isn’t satisfied with just nursing all the time like her sister was.
There are evenings Chris and I high-five each other in the hallway as we tag-team getting both kids dressed and in bed. Some nights I’ll bring Emelia to lay on Olivia’s pillow during prayers and I die a little watching the two of them stare at each other for five minutes until one of them starts crying, which depending on the night could be a toss-up either way.
Most of the time, I don’t feel like I’m doing it well. There are moments when I give myself an imaginary pat on the back because I’ve managed to get us all ready AND make scrambled eggs AND GASP! APPLAUSE! wash all the dishes and wipe the table down, not just when Olivia needs a place to spread out her crayons and books. We watch too much TV and there are clumps of dog hair along every baseboard and I’m not even sorry about it, but we’re making it just fine. More or less.
I often wonder if people with two kids, one being an infant, leave the little one in the car while they bring the other into daycare..I know gasp! But I mean that legit sounds like chaos to lug it all in for like 2 minutes.
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It’s total chaos. But no. I see plenty of strollers and there’s even one where a dad loads up a triple seated stroller to bring all the kids into preschool and he has my total respect. 😉
OMG. The shoes. Today I asked Kate to put her shoes on and get in the car. She decided to get in the driver’s door (I was loading my gym bag and her lunch box) and climb into the backseat (without her shoes). I decided not to make an issue of it; figuring that as long as she got into her car seat, I could get the shoes on her. Then I spilled my protein shake all over the driver’s seat. It wasn’t her fault, I didn’t have the best grasp on my cup… except IT WAS TOTALLY HER FAULT! If she has been putting on her shoes, I would have spent a few extra seconds holding my cup, wouldn’t have spilled it. Furthermore, we wouldn’t have been even later, because while I was cleaning the mess that went all.over the seat, the dash board, the rear view mirror and so many other place I haven’t discovered. SHE STILL DID NOT PUT ON HER FUCKING SHOES!! So now I have to put them on her, while I moan about how late we are and how it’s all her fault. Just when I’m already feeling like the worst parent in the world, she tells me “Calm down Mommy, take a deep breath” so I can’t be fucking up too bad and neither are you. You’ve got this Mama
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Oh my, I’m pretty sure I had a day like this. We were on our trip while I was pregnant, and I stuck my coffee on the middle console and Chris proceeded to knock it everywhere and the car was less than a year old. OMG you better believe I was annoyed. 🙂 But oh those lessons doled out by a preschooler. <3 I guess we aren't doing too bad.
Sling for baby makes it easier than opening etc stroller. And, NO you cannot leave one child in car. And YES, the process is insane and the temptation very high!
Actually it sounds like you are doing terrifically well. Dust will wait, babies/small children … not so much.
Thank you for this post.
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Sadly, the stroller get up is much easier than a sling with a little baby and Minnesota winters. It’s much easier to grab her whole car seat in and out than it would be to pull her in and out of a sling and messing with all those buckles. I see the appeal. And the stroller is because the car seat is so heavy and taking that extra time to bring out the stroller saves my back like you wouldn’t believe.
IT GETS BETTER I PROMISE. You are doing great. Going from one to two kids was the hardest thing for me, but it gets easier as the kids get older. Cut yourself some slack. Are your kids fed and happy? Then you are doing a great job. The days are long with two kids and one of them being an infant. You will get through this.
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I can definitely things getting a bit easier as Emelia gets older. Even just the coming summer and warmer weather gets me hopeful.
I’m glad you’re surviving! It’s definitely a sea-change, going from one to two. Like you, because of the infertility, I never really counted on having a second kid. Strangely, I didn’t really worry much about the impact of a second kid prior to her being born, but once she got here, I realized I had really underestimated how much our lives would change. I am sitting here reading this doing the head nod of recognition of this stage of things. It’s rough. I remember thinking how much I wanted more children and how incredibly grateful I was and also that I felt like I was failing more days than not. Good news is that we are now nearly at ages 5 and 3 and things actually have gotten considerably easier than those early days. There’s a point where it gets better (though I know that doesn’t help much now!).
Hopefully things will feel/get more manageable soon.
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Thank for the encouragement!
So much yes to all of this. I haven’t left the house in 2 days because it’s (kind of, sometimes) easier to just stay home. But then I have days where not only did I manage to get us all dressed and out of the house, but I took both kids out to breakfast on my own and the baby actually took her nap while in the Lillebaby so I could eat and nobody had an accident or a blowout and it feels so good, but by that evening I’m crying because the baby just won’t go to sleep and the toddler doesn’t understand or care that I need him to not be touching my body for 5 minutes and I just want a break!!! Yeah. This having 2 stuff is hard.
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Ha ha! I definitely see now why people just stay home. I wasn’t like that with my first, but now with two kids? Including an infant? This summer, when the weather is warmer, I’m hoping for some park trips. I can’ handle those. 😉