Amy Schumer announced two weeks ago that she was doing IVF and feeling emotional about it. “If anyone went through it and if you have any advice or wouldn’t mind sharing your experience with me please do. My number is in my bio,” she wrote on her Instagram.
So I obliged. I didn’t expect a response, but celebrity or not, support during fertility treatments is huge.
I know she’s famous. I know she has the choice of fertility clinics and money isn’t a roadblock. The financial part of infertility will always remain one of the hardest things for me. It’s easy to be cynical about it, but the fact is, infertility is infertility and the more it’s talked about, the more we can get people to understand. Perhaps it’s even harder for a celebrity to put themselves out there when they share they’re using reproductive technology to have a baby. The judgment can be intense and I’m sure it’s even harder when you’re famous.
Sure enough, there was judgment, namely around the fact that Amy Schumer isn’t adopting, further perpetuating the myth that if you can’t have a baby, you should adopt instead of having the audacity to want to try to get pregnant on your own. “#adoptdontshop so to speak,” as one commenter so eloquently put it.
So Amy Schumer might be unrelatable to those of us who aren’t rich and famous, but she is still getting shitty comments like this, and that, my friends, is why infertility needs to be talked about from people of all walks of life. Comments like this might come from good intentions (or not), but there is still a massive amount of misinformation and misguided advice on what people should do when they want a baby. For instance, adopting because it’s the right path for them, and not because they have an obligation to the world’s orphans. So let me remind everyone that your reproductive choices are no one’s business but your own and you owe no one an explanation for what you choose. People who do IVF are not selfish just like people who adopt aren’t saints swooping in to rescue the abandoned children. People who do IVF five times aren’t sucking resources and people who decide to stop pursuing treatments aren’t giving up.
So I’ll be watching Amy’s story play out, rooting for her, and for fuck’s sake, trying to stay away from the comments.
Yes!!!! I texted her too. I didn’t read the comments but I’m not surprised. As a parent who has a daughter born via ivf (frozen embryo!) and a daughter via adoption, I told her that both journeys were anxious and at times sad, but so worth it. And to remember that everyone builds their family in their own way.
I always skip the comments on posts like that, but man do I want to go back there and tell those self righteous idiots to ZIP IT the F up. It’s never an either/or and children are not puppies or kittens. Neither adoption or IVF are an “easy” choice and, if a person is commenting as though they are, the only things that tells me are 1)they are an idiot and 2) they’ve never experienced either.
Author
Yes! It kills me when people act like adoption is just the easiest most humbling thing ever. It’s not. It’s hard. It’s messy. There’s often a lot of hurt and trauma involved. Some people are just clueless.
I love Amy Schumer. I’m glad you texted her. I imagine her printing out a bunch of the texts and reading them for guidance or encouragement. Of course the money is not as big an issue for her but knowing that it can take multiple tries is really important I think. I started down the adoption path and boy it was not easy. Just all the time and effort that goes into completing a home study for example. And then waiting and waiting and waiting some times to no avail for a phone call. Private adoptions are different but those are super expensive. Anyway, glad that we both made it through the IVF journey. I’d love to talk to you sometime about the frozen embryos we have left and considering transferring another one. We are older though and two kids are a lot more work, right? But I would love to have another and to give Ellie a sibling.
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Yes, it’s crazy to me how people think adoption is so easy. Perhaps it’s because it’s just not talked about in society. In movies and TV shows, adoption happens so quickly and is wrapped up in a nice little package by the end.
It was interesting to read the stuff about Amy Schumer over the past few weeks (and awesome that you texted her!). Like you, I found the financial part of IVF to be one of the more stressful parts, but it’s so true that infertility is infertility at some level. I hope it works out for her.
But gah, those comments! Adoption/IVF are just separate things entirely. Adoption or IVF can be ways to build a family, but neither is easy or simple and there are so many considerations that many people don’t seem to want to understand…
Author
The financial piece is a huge burden. But yes. Adoption and IVF are just two separate things and adoption is NOT a cure for someone’s infertility. I wish more people understood that.
Wow, how awesome to provide support to Amy Schumer. I live under a rock and didn’t realize this was going on, and I think it’s so great that she’s sharing her experience honestly (as she does with all her experiences, really). Not so great are the judgy comments. People just do not understand. As someone who did IVF and did adoption and neither brought us a living baby, it didn’t matter when we did adoption. The judgment was still there (why don’t you try international? Or foster? You can’t stop, you could do foster adoption! Why not an older child? Why wouldn’t you be open to every single possibility?) People find a way to judge every decision they never have to make. I’d love to text Amy, but I fear as a person who left the process exhausted and grief stricken and broken, I wouldn’t be so helpful. I think you gave her great advice and hope. Again, how cool!
Author
It’s so easy when you aren’t the one having to make these decisions. I think though, it’s so important to hear all the sides of infertility. To know that sometimes it doesn’t end with a baby, but it can be really good.