NICU: Bringing baby home

Catch up on these posts here first if you missed any part of the birth story:

34 Weeks: Preeclampsia

34w5d: I get a cervical dilation

Introducing…

Emelia’s birth story: Part 1

Emelia’s birth story: Part 2

NICU: When we were hospitalized at the same time

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Saturday, October 12: I get discharged

Chris had gone home for the night, but he made it in time for rounds with me. Emelia was 5 pounds 10 oz. She’s getting more and more alert and has started cueing more for her feeds. I was called down a half hour before her noon feed because she was rooting around and sucking her fingers, a first because all her feeds have been scheduled.

I pumped my first two ounces in the middle of the night and Emelia was up to 50mL feeds, so I was getting ahead of her. She nursed twice that day, and we did a lot of practicing with her latch.

My liver enzymes were starting to trend down, so I got the OK to discharge. Olivia was playing at our friend’s house and we left after lunch and seeing Emelia. It was hard saying goodbye even knowing I was going to be back the next morning.

The nurse I had was amazing. She told me her son had been born at 34 weeks. We talked a lot about the NICU, how hard it was, how to manage your emotional health while your baby is there. I was going back and forth about boarding at the hospital with her. On one hand, I wasn’t sure how I could leave her when we were 30-40 minutes away from the hospital. But the boarding rooms had no fridge. There was a community bathroom, but no shower. And most of all, I needed to be home for Olivia. My nurse told me she called the hospital for updates three times a day and visited once a day or every other. She was amazing.

We talked about Olivia and her adjustment. We talked about how to navigate coming home and what to tell her when the baby wasn’t with us. She commandeered a bunch of baby supplies: preemie diapers, a bottle, swaddle, wipes, a pacifier, and basin. She told me to take them home and tell Olivia her sister is coming home soon and she can practice using this stuff until she can help with her sister. I never would have thought about doing that. I hugged her when I left and cried.

Walking out the doors to the hospital—it was rough. All week I was watching the other new parents leaving with bags and car seats. It was a punch to the gut every time.

A nurse stopped us as we were walking through the double doors. “Are you visitors?” she asked, her eyes narrowed.

I stopped, “Um, no? We’re leaving.”

“Oh,” she said as she waved us past, “You’re visiting a baby.” And she kept walking.

I looked at Chris as we continued walking. “What the big deal? People discharge all the time, why is that so weird?”

He glanced at me. “It’s because we don’t have a car seat with us.” I felt like I suddenly couldn’t breathe.

I waited until I got in the car before I broke down, sobbing. Leaving the hospital without your baby, it doesn’t feel right at all. In fact, it was pretty much an awful feeling.

We arrived at my friend’s house. I told Olivia you were coming and she squealed, my friend had texted me earlier.

But when my friend opened the door, Olivia peeked solemnly at me from around her. And when we got in the house and sat on the couch, it was Chris Olivia went to. I fought tears and forced a smile.

“That’s not the reaction I was expecting,” my friend said.

It’s because she doesn’t trust me. She thinks I’m just going to leave again, I wanted to say.

But then she wanted me to sit by her in the car on the drive home.

After dinner, we gave her the baby supplies. She burst into tears. “I don’t want this!” she cried. I got up and walked to the bedroom. I cried, huge wracking sobs. I hated all this. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. My baby was laying in a crib in a NICU at the hospital. My other daughter didn’t understand. We were all supposed to be together.

Chris came in a few minutes later. “She thought that stuff was for the baby,” he explained, “She knows now it’s for her to play with and she’s much happier.”

The rest of the night was a blur of Olivia filling up her baby bottle and getting water everywhere, and pumping. I called the NICU late that night. Her nurse sounded happy to hear from me and told me Emelia was doing really well. I hung up and cried.

Sunday, October 13: Reunited

After reassuring Olivia that I was coming home later, I arrived at the hospital around 9;30. I pulled into the parking lot and was about to turn off the engine when Coldplay’s “The Scientist” came on the radio.

Come up to meet you
Tell you I’m sorry
You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

And I cried in my car for a few minutes before I pulled myself together and went in to see my baby.

Her nurse was amazing. Emelia officially breastfed enough to take in something using the nipple shield. Her nurse said she was doing fantastic at remembering to breathe in between sucks, something that was a huge accomplishment. I spent seven hours there, leaving only to eat lunch in the cafe and use the restroom. My butt hurt at the end of the day. I forgot to bring extra pads and saw one of my favorite nurses in the hallway who handed me some. I felt all discombobulated. I don’t think I remembered to brush my teeth that morning.

The hospital pump was so much better than my new one at home and after talking with the lactation nurse about it, I decided to rent a hospital pump for a month while I was continuing to pump around the clock.

I was going to leave after her noon feeding, but I decided to stay because the nurse suggested we try a before and after weighted feed at her 3:30 one. She only took in 2 mLs which caused the nurse and me to laugh, but it was a start. I almost fell asleep in the chair because there wasn’t much to do besides hang out on my phone and read from my Nook. I texted Chris wondering how I was ever going to leave her again, and the only thing making it OK was that Chris was going to head back to the hospital after we put Olivia to bed that night and do her 9:30 feeding. I warned him she may be tired after a day of nursing a lot, but I guess she ended up doing fine.

Chris brought her her first outfit and I told him she didn’t even look like she was in the NICU. She looked like a regular baby. He had also given her the first bath that evening since I didn’t have time on the day shift.

Monday, October 14: Something’s gotta give

In rounds, the team discussed discharge later that week and discontinuing her NG tube and seeing how she does on all oral feeds.

She was sleepy that day and only took in 4 mLs during her weighted feed, but drank all of her bottle. The next one she was too pooped to finish, so we did the rest through the NG. Her nurse reassured me that was normal after having an eventful day the day before. Tomorrow, the plan was to start the 12-hour min testing by pulling the NG tube. They want to see if she can gain weight by oral feeds alone for 12 hours. If she can do two rounds of 12 hours, she can discharge. I was cautiously optimistic.

Later that night, Chris went in to see her and texted me asking to bring the car seat in when I went in the next morning. Things were looking hopeful, but I was just so tired. I felt like I couldn’t manage anything more than pumping and being at the hospital.

I had lost 37 pounds since my highest weight while in the hospital. Much of it was water weight from the preeclampsia. More of it was pumping around the clock and not eating much.

Normally, I’m a stress eater, but this NICU stay—it was stress unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I ate my three meals a day, but that was it. I didn’t have time to eat. I never felt hungry. I just wanted to sleep. That’s when I started feeling like I wasn’t going to be able to maintain this.

Tuesday, October 15: Triage

I lugged my bag and car seat from the car to the NICU which felt like a mile away at 10:00 that morning. I had just come from an appointment with my doctor’s PA. Everything looked good with my blood pressure and reflexes and we ran stat labs for preeclampsia, so I was getting the results later that afternoon.

Emelia passed her car seat test and got her NG tube out. We were one step closer to leaving. She rocked her feeds every time, finishing her bottles like a champ.

I found out my liver enzymes were back up, higher, in fact, than what they were upon admission to the hospital initially. It could be from one of the BP meds I was on, or this could be preeclampsia. My doctor really thought the former, but I was going back Friday to retest.

Tomorrow was discharge day for Emelia, if she continued to do well with her feeds. I saw lactation and discussed with her and Emelia’s nurse about staying that night to board to practice more nursing at night. I told her nurse about my liver enzymes and she said if I needed to go home to sleep I should, that I needed to take care of myself. I was feeling a headache coming on.

I left around 2 and returned back to the hospital around 9:00 that night. I told Olivia when putting her to bed that she may not see me in the morning because I needed to go work, which she was fine with. I lugged my heavy overnight bag that also contained my pump, into the hospital. I checked into the boarding room and then went to see the baby.

The plan was to have the nurse call me when Emelia wanted to eat and I’d come down, bringing any milk I had with me.

I pumped before going to bed, but once in bed, I couldn’t sleep. My headache was still lingering and I was going back and forth with calling my doctor.

If this was preeclmpsia back, and I was admitted again, I wanted to have it be now, when they could continue to keep the baby in the NICU. If she discharged, she could room with me but Chris would need to stay with me at all times, since I couldn’t take care of her alone as a patient.

A little after ten, I called his cell phone and told him what was going on. He said I should walk down to triage and get checked out.

So I shuffled out and walked to the maternity department where I had just left. They did an assessment and ran the HELLP labs. My BP looked great. My labs were still really elevated. I called the NICU nurse and told her I probably wasn’t going to make it for the midnight feeding.

The nurse came back at 11:30 and said she talked to my doctor. He thought still this was med related since my platelets looked good. He wanted to run more labs and for me to make my appointment for Thursday instead of Friday. I was given Tylenol for my headache and she said a preeclampsia headache wouldn’t go away with meds. I told her the headache was better since coming to triage which she said was also good news. So… it was all good, but of course, I was worried this would happen again once we were all back home. I had to stay there another 45 minutes and then I went back to my room to pump again.

Wednesday, October 16: Emelia comes home

At 12:30 am I left and went to NICU to let the nurse know I was OK and to call me when the baby is ready to eat again after the 3 am feed so I could get some sleep.

I had a stretch of sleep until the nurse called at 5. I wasn’t sure if Emelia took anything in, but she seemed really happy while nursing. Then I pumped again in the NICU and went back to my room to sleep until 8:30. I dropped off the milk in the NICU, said good morning to Emelia and then went to go eat breakfast in the cafe. She had drank 75 mLs for the nurse earlier that morning.

Since we were discharging that day, I was first for rounds. They officially gave the OK and then I started discharge teaching from the NICU nurse and OT. I pumped and then went back to my room to pack up and eat lunch. Chris got to the hospital around 2:00. We put her in her going-home outfit, a sleeper with a zipper because that meant there were no more cords monitoring her breathing and heart rate. She was officially an untethered baby.

Her nurse got her footprints.

And then suddenly, she was in her car seat ready to go.

Leaving this time was a lot different than when I did. This time we got to put her in the car. I hugged her nurses, who had been with me for the last three day shifts. I cried, but this time, it was because she was finally coming home.

Olivia was in daycare until 5:00, so I got two hours to settle in with her.

I nursed her for the first time in her own room.

Olivia came bursting into the house with Chris and immediately asked where the baby was. She found her in the crib.

I explained that she couldn’t touch the baby’s hands or face, but she could kiss her baby tootsies as much as she wanted. That those were Olivia’s feet and toes to kiss. She was more than willing to take that on. I silently thanked one of the NICU practitioners for that piece of advice.

That night was a mess of pumping, bottles, and the whirlwind that is Olivia. I couldn’t ask for anything better.