I know this is kind of too late, but I’m freaking out about this baby coming, you guys. I know, I know, I’m 18 weeks, and I really am excited. But also terrified. Terrified of a second kid. Terrified of a baby and a toddler. Terrified the postpartum anxiety will return. Which it already has. I mean, the anxiety in general. Pregnancy anxiety, or whatever.
Last weekend, Chris and I cleared out almost all of the third bedroom where this baby’s nursery will be. It had a bunch of Olivia’s toys and art stuff, so we set up a corner of her room with “Olivia-only” toys and moved her glider out into a corner of the baby’s room. Which was a bit surreal.
There’s nothing special about this glider. We bought it off Craigslist when I was pregnant with Olivia for like $20, but it’s where I spent many (many) hours rocking and nursing my little girl and moving it into another room to do the same with another miracle baby is a lot to handle emotionally right now.
But then I walked into our bedroom and found the place where we could put the pack n play for when the baby sleeps with us, and I felt… familiar anxiety.
What if she stops breathing in the night?
What if she suffocates?
What if I wake up to find her dead?
These were the intrusive thoughts I dealt with for months after Olivia was born. I perpetually lived in fear that I would lose her and most of it surrounded her sleeping. And it’s starting to happen again at 18 weeks pregnant with this one.
I know things will be different this time around. I’m more educated on PPA. I know the signs. I know what to communicate to my doctor. I see a therapist and will plan on increasing my visits with her, especially in the first few weeks. I have a doula. Things will be different. But still, it’s terrifying to think about.
And of course, there’s the guilt that comes with all this. I want this baby more than anything and I’m already doubting myself as a mom. I’ve already struggled with feeling distant from Olivia since weaning her. Sure, it doesn’t help she’s been in a stage of impossibleness lately. Tantrums and defiance and rudeness (amidst her usual sweet, funny, kind self of course). She’s going to do great things with her strong personality, but right now, I’m exhausted. Pregnant and nauseous and exhausted and short-tempered and OMFG I don’t want to play My Little Pony again I want to SLEEP, kid!
Miss Threenager. But dat bun… I die a little.
I knew this would be hard. I knew it would be a huge change. And this is exactly what’s happening. I miss being able to nurse my girl. It was the one way I could always reset her spicy attitude, to shut down a tantrum, to generally put her in a better mood. And she hasn’t nursed since the middle of February and she’s lost her latch (trust me, she can’t do it anymore) and nursing is no longer a possibility and that makes me sad. I get what they say now about weaning bringing on feelings of depression.
In other news, I talked on here last week about wanting to switch from my current OB. It was a tough decision based heavily on my past obstetric history and fucking insurance. Birth center with midwives (best case scenario, possibility of crashing and burning with my preeclampsia history) or seeing a VBAC-friendly doc 30 minutes away and delivering at a hospital much further than my own currently (second best case, giving up my dream of a hippie birth for one in the hospital).
In the end, I went with the OB. The $1500 price tag of a birth center VBAC was a gamble when I wasn’t sure I’d have issues that would risk me out, leaving me right back in the situation I was in last week of having to find a different provider (and out $1500).
I got the referrals placed (as required by insurance to ensure this provider and hospital are in-network) and I’m still waiting on the approval. I have an appointment set towards the end of July with Dr. A. for my 24 week visit. I feel good about this, with some lingering sadness that I won’t get that waterbirth in a big tub with Chris catching the baby. I know, I know, it’s totally hippie but I wanted that so bad. But this is a good alternative. More on this doctor later, but he’s known by patients to be a midwife with a PhD.
Symptom-wise… I actually had 3-4 days this week where I felt really good. No nausea, only the slight urge to gag, more energy. That didn’t last. The last three days have been rough, with one of them a day where I dry heaved three times in a row and started throwing up. Sonofabitch. I’m tired of it.
I’ve been feeling super full in the evenings, sometimes not even able to eat dinner and then around 9:00 it’s all ZOMG! I’M STARVING GIMME ALL THE FOODZZZZZZZ!
But Queso has been moving around in there, getting bigger and more badass by the minute. My anterior placenta makes everything more muted, which sucks, but hopefully by 25 weeks, as the clinic nurses say, I’ll feel her more “normally.”
According to my app, she’s the size of an artichoke, or as another app says, the size of a chicken breast. She has fingerprints now, and is developing a tiny little vagina. It’s so weird how we know she has girl parts already — thank you, genetic testing.
Here’s to feeling better soon. Or another 18+ weeks of feeling craptastic. Either way, whatever brings this baby to us.
Boy can I relate to so many things you’ve written here. The anxiety,both during pregnancy and postpartum, the fears of 2, no matter how incredibly wanted those 2 little ones are. It’s hard. I’m here if you ever need to talk to someone with the same feelings! I’m so glad you’re going for the VBAC friendly doctor. I think it will be so good for you to not have to fight for the birth you want every step of the way.
Author
Ah thanks, Mama. It feels like this is so unique, but I’m sure to a degree, every mom goes through these thoughts.
So like Stephanie, I can relate to all of this, too. Just know you aren’t alone in allll your feelings, from freaking about going from 1 to 2, to POA/D issues, to breastfeeding weaning sadness, all of it.
Also…zomg, my 5 year old has been HORRIBLE with the rudeness and demanding and just general crappy authoritive and bossy behavior mixed in with his usual sweetness. It is maddening and difficult to deal with in a strong-willed and strong personality-ed kid. Zero advice here, just know you aren’t alone there.
(((Hugs))) mama!
Author
Oh man. Wasn’t five supposed to be a good age? Maybe that’s six? Well I guess I have more to look forward to then, huh? 🙂
Sending hugs. You are dealing with all the regular fears of pregnancy… plus emotions of your first baby growing away from you (as they have to)… plus the extra burdens of higher risk experiences like SCH… plus the immense personal and every other kind of cost of how beautiful baby Q was conceived… plus a tough early pregnancy with all the sickness… plus difficult decisions about the birth… and of course still running the house, paying bills, washing clothes etc etc. I think you are doing an amazing job.
No wonder it feels like so much! Anxiety is a hard and horrible burden. You are doing everything you can to lessen its grip on you. Love and prayers to you, and hope that you will be able to find peace on this tough journey.
What a story of love and triumph you will have to tell your girls as they grow x
Author
I try to give myself that grace to do what I can. Why, oh why do I have to be such a perfectionist? 😉 Thank you so much for your sweet words!
I’m pregnant with #2 also, and I def have way more fear this time around. I know better what to expect, but also terrified of it all going a different way!! Plus the super all day sickness while taking care of a toddler…. It’s been terrible and has made me question EVERYTHING!! It’s finally getting better at nearly 16 weeks, but man, all the feelings of inadequacy, not being able to handle it, letting my toddler down… I feel like I haven’t even had the time to actually focus on this baby inside of me bc I’m just trying to get thru most days.
I try to remind myself this is just a period of time, it will pass, and I’ll probably forget it…one day The most important thing is that there IS a baby, and the baby is healthy. And we will get thru this!!!! You got this girl!!!
Author
“I know better what to expect, but also terrified of it all going a different way!!” That’s exactly it! And I feel like time is passing so quickly because when I was pregnant with Olivia, I was consumed in my pregnancy. This time is so different. Thank you for this.