A post about pee sticks and cautious optimism

I don’t know anyone who gets through the two week wait easily. I’ve done two of them now with a toddler in the house and it’s definitely different than all the other waits.

I got off bed rest Sunday morning and decided to track it all here, from 3 days past transfer through 11 days past. I’ve been a lot more reclusive this time around, trying to decrease my anxiety as much as possible. This TWW, like the one with Olivia, feels insurmountable. Here we go, day by day!

Sunday // 3dpt

Game day with Olivia! I’m officially off bed rest.

Despite her face, she really was having a good time. She’s a good distraction. I also taught her how to play Mancala. I remember playing it for HOURS with my cousin and apparently you can teach a three-year-old this.

I had another night of sweating constantly. It sucks. I sent off a message to the clinic to let them know. I also scheduled a massage for next week and tonight I watched some Pitch Perfect after my PIO and Lovenox injections. I’m working on practicing more self-care this time around.

Symptom-wise, besides the night sweats which has to be from the progesterone, I’ve had some more mild period cramps and a low backache that I didn’t have for my October transfer. In fact, this backache reminds me so much of my early pregnancy with Olivia. I was doing the dishes this evening and suddenly felt this warmth rush over me and I felt like, if I don’t sit down now I’m going to puke and faint. So I went and sat on the couch and the feeling passed and it was crazy. Again, it wasn’t something I had ever experienced except when I was in my first trimester with Olivia. I don’t know. It’s weird how each transfer can be so different. Still some pulls and twinges every once in a while.

I had a lot of anxiety tonight, so I listened to my meditation tape.

Monday // 4dpt

I sweated all night. Luckily, my clinic got back to me and said it was normal and related to the progesterone. Still. I’m really not a fan of this. I had my blood work this morning to check my estrogen and progesterone (which turned out to be great numbers! Progesterone was 47!

Olivia was in daycare, so in between appointments (I also went to the chiropractor) and working on two articles, I caved and took a nap. The progesterone is definitely wiping me out. Chris and I also tried me laying down for my progesterone shots while he gave it, and it actually worked out really well. Plus I have a pillow now that I can holler into if things take a turn for the worst. We’ve had a few doozies, one in the hotel Thursday night and one Saturday night at home. Plus the Sunday night one, while it didn’t make me cry my eyes out, it still made me yell obscenities.

I’ve just been struggling so much with the physical pain this time around. And obviously the transfer sucked and now my shots are hurting way more than they used to. Several times I’ve cried to Chris that I wasn’t sure how I could keep doing this.

I’m still having some really mild symptoms. I think my backache is better from the chiropractor, but I’m still having some subtle twinges, pulls, and cramping. Like the October transfer, I took a test (Wondfo, and during the afternoon) and it was negative. There may have been a very faint squinter, but I didn’t put much stock in it. I didn’t feel brave enough to test again.

The Lovenox is going…OK. Some are OK, and some burn. I hate these shots. My stomach, while no massive bruises yet, looks like a pin cushion. I have bruises on my butt on both sides already from the progesterone injections. I hope this is all worth it.

Tuesday // 5dpt

I decided not to test today and give it until at least tomorrow. I’m having flashbacks to this last transfer in October and that is an awful feeling. I did another round of acupuncture and she used the very tiny needles this time and I’m so glad she did. I feel like my body has been on such high alert since the start of this with all the physical pain I’ve been subjected to. My progesterone shots have been going OK the last few times, but I still need to force myself not to tense up.

Symptom-wise, still the same stuff. Mild cramps, feeling really tired. I had some bloating tonight which was reminiscent of my transfer with Olivia at this time. Should I take another test tomorrow?

Wednesday // 6dpt

Early this morning, around 6:45 am, I woke up and had to pee. Olivia, wonder of all wonders was still asleep. Should I take a test? This is when I got my positive with Olivia. I crept out of bed, certain I’d hear her door open at any second.

I took out a FRER, fresh out of the box from my disastrous transfer four months ago. I also got out a WONDFO because what the hell?

Peed. Dipped both my sticks into the Dixie cup like a crazy infertile mad scientist. Washed my hands, telling myself it’s not going to be there. Got back in bed to shut my eyes a little longer. Olivia was up five minutes later. She ran out of my room down the hall and I went to the bathroom.

Saw this:

Told myself I was probably dreaming. I just felt this rush of relief. That something I never thought I would see again was staring me right in the face. I was pregnant. Right then and there, I was pregnant.

But then Olivia came flying into the room and said she had to pee, and could you help me with my pants, and NO MAMA! Don’t turn on the light, I can do it myself! and I want a muffin! and Can I watch TV? Just a little! and MAMA I WANT MILK! NO, FROM A SIPPY CUP! I DON’T WANT TO PUT ON MY BOOTS, I WANT MY SHOOOOOES!!!! WAHHHHHH!

So this positive test experience looked a little different from four years ago when it was just me and the dog in the house, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I ended up digging the test from 4dpt out of the trash (I know, I know, gross) and saw that after it dried completely, there was actually a squinter there. I decided to keep it with the others.

I had a hard time concentrating on my last article draft of the month (ironically on the successes of timed intercourse when trying to conceive) and my thoughts kept going to all the What Ifs.

What if this turns out to be a chemical? I’m really good at having those.

What if I see something on the ultrasound and then my baby is gone?

What if it’s twins? What if I lose one? What if there’s a ton of complications? (I’m also really good at having these too.) What if they come early and I can’t emotionally handle it? What if, what if, what if????????

And then I had to tell myself 97 times today, Bitch, you had one positive test. Calm the F down.

Thursday // 7dpt

With one positive test done, I’m starting to feel more confident. The Wondfo is kind of pissing me off because it’s so much lighter compared to the FRER. Definitely not good for my anxiety.

I’m obsessing, you guys. It’s started.

I did go back in for my progesterone and estrogen check, but unfortunately, my estrogen had dropped to 248.8 and my doctor wants it over 300. I ended up adding in a vaginal estrace at night, so hopefully that will bring it up. Progesterone looked great still at 40!

Friday // 8dpt

I’m tired. Ass hurts. My pelvic area feels…heavy? tight? Starting to doubt this whole thing. Will I stay pregnant? (I hope so in the worst way.) If I do, will I be as psychotic as I was with my pregnancy with Olivia? (Most definitely.)

I decided to test at night to see if my pee is darker then like it was with Olivia. I’m not sure. The Wondfo isn’t as dark as I was hoping as well. I’m officially going crazy.

We told my parents tonight. I don’t know why it’s so hard to tell them, but I think if we lose this pregnancy, going back to them will be the hardest. I hate that I can’t tell them I’m pregnant without the fear, but I know this comes from past experiences. We’ve been here before, once when it worked and we got Olivia, but once when it didn’t.

Saturday // 9dpt

My FRER in the morning is noticeably darker and I can’t tell you what a relief this is. I’m feeling much more confident today. And tonight’s Wondfo seemed to me like a nice (read: badass) HCG surge. I’m feeling a lot of heaviness and tightness today, with period cramps. This is when I started bleeding with Adam. It’s hard not to think about that. It’s hard not to hold my breath every time I wipe.

I’m also starting to officially bruise on my stomach from the Lovenox. Chris actually noticed it first when we got in bed and I wanted to cry when I saw it. It’s about 2 inches x 2 inches and I know this is just the beginning.

Sunday // 10dpt

I had another great FRER and the Wondfo is starting to darken. I’m feeling like I can stop using the FRERs, because I have one left and I don’t want to buy another 3-pack.

I think the urinary frequency is starting. Last night I peed at 11:30, and then again at 4:00 am and for how badly I had to go, I really didn’t pee a lot. So that trend continued all day. I felt this weird sort of giddiness.

I’m feeling some pains that alternate on both sides. With Olivia I think I remember these only on one side, but this time I feel like it’s both. I put in a portal message to my clinic nurse, asking if I can take an early beta, either Tuesday or Wednesday instead of Thursday.

Monday // 11dpt

Last FRER! And it’s a beauty! I’ve been continuing to have little pains on both sides of my pelvis, low down. And continue to fall asleep in the afternoon for no less than two hours a day.

I’m working on embracing these symptoms and pee sticks for what they are: they mean I’m pregnant. My clinic nurse got back to me, congratulating me and sending me orders for an early beta tomorrow. I want to see that number. I want to see that public proof that there’s someone inside me.

Tomorrow is a big day.