Christmas 2018

Honestly, I’m not sure if Christmas is ever going to feel as “perfect” as it should. I’m not sure when I’ll wake up that morning without the strange urge to cry because I’m not over my infertility and probably will never be. Christmas, as I talked about in this post last year, is a reminder that things are far from perfect. It’s a reminder of what I was missing during those years of fertility treatments. The pudgy baby reaching for the Christmas tree. The toddler racing downstairs to see what Santa left her. It’s setting out the cookies with your husband knowing there was no one there to be surprised the next morning. It’s walking through church holding back the tears as little kids in Christmas outfits fly past you. It’s the missing stocking, the missing presents under the tree, the bubbly laughter waking you up at 6 am.

Now I have those things. And it’s so beautiful. But I will always know exactly what I was missing all those years, and for that, Christmas, like all the other tough-during-infertility holidays is just a little hard.

We took Olivia to see Santa a few weekends ago by going to an ice skating event. I wasn’t sure how she’d react to him because we had been talking about him for a while, but when it came time to meet him, I wasn’t sure what she’d think. We sat up in the bleachers and watched everyone skate around and every time Santa came to skate past her, he’d wave and her eyes would light up.

“Santa! Hi Santa!” she’d shout, waving frantically.

When it came time to meet him, she didn’t hesitate. She flew into his arms and hugged him. So… clearly, that warm-up time beforehand did wonders for her confidence.

On Saturday, we made Christmas cookies after I got home from an outing with my mom, aunts, cousin and sisters. We had toured this Victorian Mansion in St. Paul and I bought Olivia a pickle ornament for the tree and when I got home, I hid it in the tree for her to find. She loved it.

Our celebrations were spread out over three days, starting with going to my aunt’s on my dad’s side. The little second cousins all did a gift exchange and Olivia got a game called Pop The Pig, which she thinks is hysterical and I find oddly satisfying to play. It’s weird having a child old enough to be downstairs with all the other kids while you’re upstairs sipping wine and eating shrimp toast. This was literally the best picture I could get of her. Homegirl wanted nothing to do with photos. 

Christmas Eve was on our own and we started out with orange rolls and scrambled eggs before opening our presents in the morning. Chris and I didn’t get each other much (being that we attempted to buy another baby a few months ago) but we got an air fryer and he got me a candle, a mask, and some lotion. Olivia, well I got her too many presents. Why did I go overboard?

I had bought a bunch of stuff for her from the consignment sale this fall, but then Zulily was having sales and then I found these adorable Melissa and Doug twin babies. Seriously. I need to downsize a bit next year. But she loved her presents. I found her a sled at the consignment sale, and we got her Legos, some stuff for her play kitchen, My Little Ponies (why the fuck did I buy these?), new pajamas, and a book.

Then we headed out to go grocery shopping and to spend my 20% off at Kohls. Chris bought running shoes, I bought new boots and Olivia picked out the world’s most adorable brown boots and I NEVER buy her new shoes. But these were just too cute and she really wanted them and I couldn’t resist.

We tried out the air fryer that night by making sweet potato fries and pulled pork sandwiches in the Instant Pot. It was acting a little wonky, and we thought it was just not liking the outlet it was first plugged into. The next day we’d realize the entire thing just wasn’t going to work anymore and we had to return it. Now awaiting a new one.

Chris and Olivia set out cookies for Santa while I did the dishes, since it was after seven when we got done eating. I was feeling bad I wasn’t down there because I have a thing with being able to witness her “firsts” but hey, Chris needs to have that time too and he got some adorable photos. We left her a note from Santa with the empty cookie plate.

Christmas Day she was up at 6:30 and we made her go watch TV out in the living room until 7:30. It was so much fun watching her come downstairs to see what Santa brought her. She got Gecko and Catboy from PJ Masks, and now she has all three characters. Life is pretty much perfect.

We never made it to church. Olivia had a cold and some congestion, so our plan was to stay home and stream the service, but of course, that didn’t happen. So we have some catching up to do because the Christmas sermons at our church are always so good.

We did brunch at my parents and opened presents there. I decided to live in the moment, so there are no photos, but she got a Trolls sleeping bag from my parents with a matching pillow along with her cousin, and we got the promise of a cousin sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa’s for Mom and Dad to have the night to ourselves.

She got a nap in while I made spinach artichoke dip in the crockpot before the party at my aunties. Then it was off again. I ate too much food and Olivia once again ran feral with her little cousins and had a blast. (I may have finished off the last of the spinach dip for lunch the next day.)

It was a crazy three days, rushing from place to place and I couldn’t be more grateful.