I’m getting so close to this ERA procedure. I’ve had two monitoring appointments for my mock cycle and my lining is behaving beautifully. For my last transfer in October, my lining hovered just around 9mm at transfer. By my second week on estrogen supplements for this mock transfer, I’m already at 11. Go figure when it doesn’t count, right?
So clearly everything is going great with my estrogen, my labs have been good, and I started PIO injections on Sunday. We do them during Olivia’s nap at 2:00 and I need to do them daily at that time until Thursday. Then I fly into Houston Friday and they will do the sixth PIO injection at the clinic right before the ERA test. It’s been fine so far in the sense of there hasn’t been a lot of pain with them. Still. I’m going to be glad when this is all over with. The extra estrogen is making me extra, well, hormonal.
Credit: Erin and I Photo
I’ve seen quite a few pregnancy announcements on Facebook lately. Some have been from fellow infertility sisters and while I’m happy for them, while I’m happy they are having a second or third baby, I’m still mourning for myself. I know it’s not over. I know I have two embryos who look great. I know I’m having a newish test that can help up my chances of having another baby, but I still feel like I’m here all over again wondering if it’s going to happen for me. I got really lucky once—will I get another shot? Or am I being greedy? Am I testing my luck?
I’ve been talking a lot in therapy about this. About how there are days I think I’m going to be OK and then there are days when I’m crying over pregnancy announcements. I feel a crushing ache in my chest when I’m cleaning the office and I see the piles of Olivia’s old baby clothes, the rock n play, the little rattles and blocks and astonishingly small shoes and I want to just slide to the floor and cry my eyes out. Because while there are some days I think I’m going to be just fine if Olivia is our one and only, the truth is most days, like four years earlier when I wanted a baby more than anything in the world, I want another one just as bad.
And like it was four years ago, we’re working against almost impossible odds. Like, I hope I have another, but according to the past odds, maybe not. Four years ago when I was facing The Final Cycle, I tried to live in hope while being terrified it wouldn’t happen for us. And now here I am, a second of the Final Cycles, one I’m so grateful for the opportunity for, but there’s still a lot of terror. We had four other failed IVFs before Olivia came. Plus, you know, like 65 other failed cycles before that. We tried for a sibling for her and we’ve already failed once. And now there’s just one more shot.
Once again I’m finding myself taking things day by day. Because that’s all you can do, right?
Hugs to you, Risa. Love and hugs and so many positive thoughts, vibes and prayers for baby #2. Living in hope is the hardest part of trying for #2, in my experience, because you know too much. But you can do this. Stay strong and keep up those delightful PIO shots.
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I hate that I know too much. It’s been SO much harder these next two times around after Olivia.
Good luck! Are you transferring one or two embryos ? I had an ERA done in December and it showed I need 12 more hours. My transfer is for mid-February and like you, this is a sibling cycle. I want more than anything to give our daughter a sibling, and it’s our last embryo! I’m so nervous and I feel every emotion you are right now. I’m thinking do you and praying for you!
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I’m transferring two! And yay!!!! I hope this is it for both of us! My results take ten days to come back so I have a bit to wait, but I hope something comes of it. Best of luck to you!
The waiting is the worst. Mine was done a week before Xmas so it took even longer to get results with the holiday! I’ll be looking for your updates!! Good luck !
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Oh yikes! Those holidays are rough! And thank you!
Prayers that you get your second baby, healthy as any baby can be. I hope your dream comes true for your family. (((Hugs)))
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Thank you Anita!
Lady, I’m wrapping you in love. I’ve been in a similar spot emotionally and had similar thoughts. All the while doubting myself and feeling selfish. You are far from selfish with wanting to expand your family. Wanting another does not make you less.
Hugging you from afar. I promise you are not alone in this.
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Thank you for always knowing those words to make me feel better. 😉
We are 1 week away from our 2nd to last “Final Try”. While I’m not in your exact situation, I know those feelings all too well. Holding out hope that we both get our hearts’ desires.
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Oh Jenni…. Hoping and praying for your final try. Sending you lots of love, friend.
Sending you so much love and good thoughts. I know what it’s like feeling like the odds are stacked against you, and trying to have all the hope amidst all of that. Praying hard for you girl!
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Thank you so much, Charlotte!
Day by Day is all I’ve ever found that works, but I’m so sorry you’re there, amidst the scary and the uncertainty. For whatever they’re worth, I’m sending you all the good thoughts and positive mental juju I can muster. You’re taking so many smart steps to maximize your chances that I have to feel hope for you for these Final Cycles.
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Ahhh thank you! And sometimes it’s hour by hour, min by min.
I’m hoping this is your Hail Mary Final Cycle!
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I’m hoping so too!
I agree that that’s all we can do sometimes. Sending lots of care. How is your ERA going now? That is definitely a great lining. That picture of Olivia is so so adorable – it definitely activates my baby longings.
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ERA, unfortunately, didn’t pan out into anything really usable. And thank you! She’s just pretty much amazing. <3
Thinking of you — this before-part is so hard, and knowing what is in store for you and hoping for the best possible outcome can drive a body crazy. I will be hoping the ERA goes well, and that this cycle brings you Olivia’s younger brother or sister.
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Thank you friend!
I never pop on here any more but saw this and am rooting for you. I used to
beg God just for ONE. As time has gone and I have seen more and more friends suffer with secondary infertility, I have realized, like you have said, that you want the 2nd as bad as the first! You are NOT being greedy. You beautiful soul still fighting in the trenches. Its not fair some of us have to go through this but worth it knowing we gave it our all. xxoo rooting for you!
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Ahhh thank you so much Holly. You said it perfectly.