Image credit: Tierney Bagley
My daughter has the most deliciously plump cheeks. She has hazel eyes and golden hair, with red tints as the light hits it— colors so different from my own—yet it doesn’t stop random people from constantly commenting, “You look just like your mommy!”
The thing that’s far too complicated to explain to these strangers is that my daughter didn’t come from my own eggs. She actually came about after three failed IVF cycles and one failed donor egg cycle in a complicated and emotional fertility journey. And all the tears of happiness and sheer thankfulness that she’s actually here in my arms doesn’t negate the troubled thoughts that run through my head about one day needing to tell her how she came into the world.
Most people wonder how they’ll get through the awkwardness of the sex talk with their children. They read books by experts on how to explain what Mommy and Daddy did to create a baby. But here I am, not only trying to figure out the birds and the bees talk without scarring her for life, but how to explain the fact that she was created in a lab by a team of doctors and that there is a woman out there that donated her eggs to us so my baby could be born.
Just sitting here writing these words makes my head spin.
My daughter is almost two years old and I know I still have time. She’s still so young, but I can’t help but worry. I’m not ashamed of her conception. Nor do I hide it from people. How else can we normalize infertility? But what I worry about is doing it right. Explaining to her, early and often, so that she grows up just knowing it’s normal for her. That it’s no big deal.
The first year of her life, I was just trying to survive life with an infant, so I didn’t think too much about it. But now that she’s on the verge of talking and understands more than I’m realizing, I think it’s time for me to start those conversations.
Read the rest of this post over at mom.me…
The librarian in me immediately did a search for children’s books that help explain fertility treatments. I’m sure you’ve probably done the same, but in case you haven’t, I found this list, which looks promising. 🙂
https://creatingafamily.org/infertility/suggested-books-for-adults-and-kids/children-conceived/
Author
Thank you for this! I have some books saved on Amazon but I hate how expensive they are. I think though, they would be very useful to have for her in the next year or two.
I get it. My older daughter was conceived via IVF with my egg and my husband’s sperm but the whole IVF scenario is going to come up at some point soon since she’s 6 and we celebrate embryo transfer day. My younger daughter is adopted. She knows she’s adopted as much as a 3 year old can understand. We have explained her “tummy mommy” to her and told her she grew in my heart but that’s not going to be enough forever. And the situation is made more interesting by the fact that my two kids look a lot alike. My younger looks even more like me than my biological daughter. I love it and it’s such a cool twist of fate but it brings up a lot of issues – when people comment on how alike they look, when do I share? When will my daughters feel like they should share? What’s the protocol in these situations? I never thought beyond having my family to the messy questions I now have to address. (For the record, I only share when it’s people who are becoming friends and won’t use our story as gossip. We are really open about the adoption but there’s a line between “open” and “protecting my family’s privacy.”
Author
It does bring up a lot of interesting points, especially when people comment on their looks. (Why, oh why is there such a focus on looks as a point of small talk? Or maybe I’m just more sensitive to it?) I’m wondering the same thing as you. What will the protocol be? Especially since they’re going to get older and may feel they need to answer strangers’ questions and comments…
Although I am certainly not in your particular situation I do feel like all of these different routes to conceive are becoming more and more needed and used so I feel like when these kiddos get a little older and even into their adult ages is will just be ‘normal’ ya know?
Author
I hope so! Luckily (if that’s the right word) there are so many more babies born via all sorts of fertility treatments now, so I’m hopeful it will just be normal, as you said.
We really should start having these conversations, too. For us, it’s a little different since my sister was our egg donor. I don’t know if that makes it even more complicated, or easier to understand! When people say my daughter looks like me, I tend to just agree rather than say she looks more like her auntie who happens to look just like me. See? Complicated or more simple? I can’t decide. The fact that they were conceived via egg donor has never been something we’ve tried to hide, but it’s also not something we talk about. It’s just not something that typically comes up in everyday conversation. Our babies are 3.5 years old now though. It’s probably time to start talking about this more with them. Thanks for the reminder.
Author
It slips your mind. In the day to day, I never think of it, but I know I need to start those conversations, more for my sake so it gets easier as she gets older and she can start to understand more.
Years ago, Keiko Zoll shared this post. http://www.theinfertilityvoice.com/2011/06/mommys-garden/
I have no idea how to begin this conversation. But I do know that like with adoption, starting sooner than later seems to be the best route. That and you aren’t alone. Thinking of you.
Author
Thanks so much friend!
Oliva seriously looks like you. Like you should be in a study about donor eggs and genetic imprinting. I often think that my IF friends who used donors have kids who look more like them then my daughter looks like me. I loved Erika’s response when she was told that her (adopted) daughter looked like her. Well, she is themost beautiful baby in the world, so that means they’re basically telling me I’m a supermodel.
Hope is something you pee on [sorry, I can’t think of the author’s name off hand] described that she started telling her twin sons as part of a bedtime story. Momma and daddy really wanted babies, but Momma didn’t have any of the eggs you need to make babies and they were sad. Then a nice lady offered her eggs to Mamma because she had extra -it’s importnat to share- and we had two babies! She described that they really took to it, and they started parroting the story. Mamma sad -no eggs. Nice lady share!
We have a framed photo of Kate’s blastocyst photo on our dresser, so we can start the conversation somehow… As someone who heard her parents having sex… I think Kate will appreciate that she never has to think about it!
Author
That would be so fascinating. I’m learning so much about the whole epigenetics things and it just blows my mind. And I love the idea of a bedtime story. I better get on that. I’m terrible and making up bedtime stories. 😉
When I started the last round of treatments of donor eggs that gave me my precious daughter I started a baby book. I have baby photos of the donor, myself and my husband in the front along with the embryo photos. Plus writings from myself. I have already shared the book to my daughter before her 3rd birthday to explain that “yes you did hatch from an egg and I have proof!”. LOL The embryo hatching photo made her eyes go round. Start small and work into it. Eventually she’ll understand all the love and commitment that went into creating her.
Author
I love this so much!
When Becky was carrying Noah and Beckom I wrote a children’s story called “The other owls nest” It was about how my nest was broken and that my eggs had to go to her nest to be safe (I never did anything with the story but plan to read it to Noey and B at some point). I thought that I could go this route for egg donor-same story line, but another bird sharing and egg and the mother bird sitting on it in her nest? I too want my twins to always know their story as normal and that there is never any shock. You are smart to start thinking about how you want to share her beautiful story. Big hugs.
Author
I love that you did this!