I have been officially pregnant for 6 days. By “officially” I mean self-diagnosed according to embarrassing amounts of home pregnancy tests. My beta is two days away; my clinic has no record of a pregnancy.
Still, at 10dpt my head was drooping into my coffee, and I took a three-hour nap because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. And the infertile part of me is wondering if it was all in my head. Was I just tired because I didn’t sleep well coming home last week from Texas?
Yesterday, Easter morning, I woke up and felt uneasy. I judged my pee stick harshly (Is it just me, or does it seem fainter than the day before?) and I wasn’t having any symptoms. We met my family at church for the Easter breakfast before the service. It wasn’t until I took one bite of the french toast and felt my stomach turn that I was able to be happy again. SYMPTOMS! My GAWD how I’ve missed you, Nausea!
I think after the beta, I will feel like it’s more real. I will have a tangible number about this pregnancy. After that, when I see the ultrasound, and see that in fact there is something growing in me that is zapping my energy and making me detest all my favorite foods and it is not, in fact, all in my head, or say a tapeworm.
But sitting with my family while they relay their own pregnancy stories, or ask me if I will find out the sex, or talk about the future with “Risa and Chris’s twins” was causing enough anxiety to become almost panic-inducing.
Six years. For six years I have been the girl back in the shadows. The one who stands aside as the others crowd around the newly pregnant girl, offering congratulations and talk of what made them sick in their own pregnancies. I’ve been the girl quietly sitting in the back at baby showers, periodically making trips to the bathroom to cry. I’ve been the one put in her place as she is lectured that until she is a mother herself, she will never understand. For six years, I have been on the sidelines.
Now I am in the spotlight. I am the pregnant daughter, the pregnant niece, the pregnant sister, the pregnant granddaughter. Everyone has been waiting for this for so goddamn long and they are happy for me.
And I panic. And I want to go back to the shadows and hide behind the infertility. Ask me about fertility meds. Ask me how my butt is feeling after PIO shots. Ask me about fertilization reports and I will answer all you want me to, with the confidence of someone who is a veteran infertile.
Put me around a table with all of my family staring at me as I try to eat the food that makes me gag, their faces glowing because ZOMG! RISA’S PREGNANT AND SHE FEELS NAUSEOUS! LET US SHARE WHAT WE DID WHEN WE WERE NAUSEOUS!… and I’m completely out of my comfort zone.
I’m a fraud. I’m a liar. I’m not a normal pregnant person, because you guys, I’ve been pregnant in the past for like thirty seconds at a time, and next week, next month, I could lose these babies. And the girls I am compared to, as in “Oh you know how so and so is pregnant too? Well she has been feeling really bad and her doctor said to do this and you should too!”—those girls will continue to be pregnant and I won’t.
I’m not trying to contradict what I said in my last post. I am still enjoying this pregnancy. I will be happy about this pregnancy as long as I have it. But I also feel like I can’t deal with the future. I can’t deal with family gatherings where everyone is excited for me and treating me like… well like I am some pregnant girl. And I am a total asshole for saying that because my family has waited years to be able to have this. But right now, I’m not the pregnant girl. I am the infertile who is very newly, cautiously pregnant. And this fear, I hope it gets easier. I hope I can let it go as time goes on and embrace this for what it is. But right now, I’m overwhelmed. And I am trying desperately to go back to my mantra: one day at a time.
This is the only thing keeping me sane. Like these little sticks are proof that they are still in there. The darkening lines are those babies growing!
At 11dpt, the lines on the FRER are almost plateauing, so it’s getting less impressive to show off. They aren’t looking much different. But those babies are still there.
I could have written this post myself. My family wants to go on and on about this pregnancy and I'm just not ready for that…because what if? I have no reason per say to doubt but the past loss just keeps stealing my joy I think. I can't wait to hear your beta and hope it's twins and you're double blessed 🙂
Please remember that every single pregnancy is different. It is so hard not to compare and you want reassurance that things are going well. When I was pregnant with the girls, I had ZERO symptoms. I wouldn't have even knew my body was pregnant, other than the billion u/s I had. I also know other woman that have every symptom in the book. Your sticks look fantastic and I give you seriously props for waiting until your beta and not going in early. You will have good numbers and since you waited so long, you will be able to have your u/s soon!!
Written this post and have experienced all of it. So much so that the tears are flowing again as I read your words. It's hard to go from being infertile to being the pregnant infertile solely because to the rest of the world you are just pregnant. The WANT to forget about infertility and all the ways it's changed you. And it sucks because right now you are terrified while dealing with survivor guilt.
I'm so over the moon for you as I know all you've been through to get here. So I'm also going to encourage you to use this space to process all of it. Trust me, this community gets it. Transitioning from the trenches to pregnancy is a hard thing; a scary thing. And there are so many moments where we face fear again and again.
And I was not going to bring up twins. Not willing to even go there yet with you. But if you cross that bridge, know there are many here (myself included) who are more than happy to support you.
It's normal to feel suspicious! I can't wait to hear about your beta and I will continue to pray for you and the babies! 😉
I know! I remember you had no symptoms and I know a lot don't. Ugh. I think I am needy and need that confirmation! 🙂 And as for waiting for beta.. are you kidding? Do you think I have patience to wait?? Lol, I can't get in earlier. They want me to wait til 14dpt. It's something to do with ruling out chemicals. Like if a chemical were to happen, it would have happened before that. Which is good, it's just that the waiting sucks, because I have to wait longer than normal.
Oh man! There is NO freaking way I would be able to use your clinic 🙂 I was totally overboard crazy in early pregnancy.
Seriously though, this looks so different from your chemical pregnancy and I firmly believe with my whole heart that you will be having a beautiful baby or babies in 8 months.
It's hard to make that transition from TTC to pregnant, especially after IF! It took me a long time to really feel like it was real. Don't be too harsh on yourself if there are days where you still think you're crazy or want to hide, it's totally normal!! I'm so excited to see your beta results!!
Oh, I get you there so much. I was telling a friend on the way to the U/S this morning for another IUI that I know how to be infertile. I am ROCKING being infertile. Being pregnant, though? Terrifying. So, I'm being the Chuck Norris of infertility. I am kicking butt at getting pregnant. And then I will kick butt at being pregnant. And you will kick butt at being pregnant.
I can't BELIEVE they are making you wait! Cruel and unusual punishment! GROW BABIES, GROW!
I just want to comment to please please please don't worry if those wondfo's mysteriously look lighter sometimes EVEN IF it's FMU. I was 100% convinced I was miscarrying based solely on the fact that the wondfo's I was obsessively dipping in pee seemed not to be getting darker, they were even getting lighter by the day. I freaked out so much I insisted on a fourth beta which was like 20,000 or something at that point. And the line STILL didn't look very dark to me. I'm now 23 weeks pregnant with a healthy boy. Hang in there, this is scary uncharted territory.
I PROMISE you it will get easier. Pregnancy symptoms are so fickle – they suck, really, they do. I remember in the early days with Molly I would rummage through the fridge to find meat to sniff, just to prove to myself that the smell still made me feel nauseated. They come and go. The only thing that will really help (well, after the betas and ultrasounds, of course) is when you get that baby bump, and THEN, when you start feeling him/her/them move around. It's very reassuring. And of course if you don't feel them move for 30 seconds you'll freak out and start poking your belly and jumping up and down and they'll be all like, "CHILL MOM, I'M SLEEPING," but still. It definitely takes some getting used to… and you'll never feel the same about pregnancy as if you'd never gone through infertility… but you will get used to it when you start to look and feel more pregnant. To this day, 9.5 months after her birth, I still have to pinch myself. Because it's like dreaming. A really awesome dream.
I'm thrilled for you! I'm also picturing you chugging like cases and cases of Gatorade to take all those tests, which is a really funny mental image.
Ignore the wonderfos – you'll just drive yourself crazy when it's just a matter of how much (or how little) water you had the night before. I still can't wrap my head around this pregnancy, for so long I've been the infertile one that it's surreal to be the pregnant one.
I'm sure it's SO surreal, I can't even imagine! I'm so happy for you!
I had no symptoms at all. Nothing. I was terrified. Third pregnancy and I had nothing to hold in my arms and I was supposed to believe it was going to happen? But I tell you what, it did. It got easier with every passing milestone but it never truely got easy. day by day. All you can do. I'm SO happy for you!
I could have written this myself. I was what you call a "pee on a stick addict". I would buy the internet cheapies, 100 at a time just to be sure I had plenty on hand for my habit. A habit which seemed insane to anyone on the outside, but a habit that only someone struggling with infertility could unsertand. During the 2ww I would pee on so many of them, holding them up to a light, hoping that maybe the bright light would pick up that line that my naked eye couldn't see, and I would just torture myself, test after test after test, month after month after month, only to be disappointed and heart broken every single time. Until, after struggling with infertility for 3 years, and thousands of dollars later, I got my BFP. After many chemical pregnancies, I did not let myself get too excited when I saw that line, I felt it would just turn out like it had in the past and I'd only be getting my hopes up. Until my beta… It tripled in two days. I felt I then had a right to get excited. But… I kept testing, for another couple weeks, day after day. I just wanted to be darn sure that baby was sticking, I was just so afraid of losing it and testing and seeing that line was the only thing keeping me from worrying about it 23 of the 24 hours in a day. It broke my heart to constantly hear of everyone else getting pregnant and finally, I was going to have a baby if my own. It felt so surreal as I had waited for this moment for oh so very long. As excited as I was to tell friends and family, I felt like it was a big lie, they all were so excited but who was to say that it would last, I felt that I was only going to disappoint them and break their hearts to have to end up telling them I lost it. Well, here I am with a healthy two week old baby girl and I could not be happier! I am so in love with her and am so thankful that this baby girl was so strong and decided to stick:) My advice to you, is live in the moment, enjoy this pregnancy and don't worry about what might happen. Worrying will not make the situation any better (so much easier said than done, I know, but it's best for you and baby not to) Just know that miracles DO happen, have faith in that and enjoy this little life growing in you:)
From one POAS Addict to another: just keep peeing! When I was pregnant I peed on as many of them as I possibly could even after my two betas.
Yes those babies are still there!! I'm praying so hard for you that they will stick around. That you will eventually feel ok coming out from the sidelines and BEING the pregnant girl- you SO deserve it. Hugs!! XO
I am praying so incredibly hard for you and your sweet little babies! YOU totally deserve this and we are SO excited for you! It is tough to be a pregnant infertile, but I think it makes you appreciate things just a little more. Miracles DO happen and you are living proof. Love you!
I think those feelings will sloooowly subside the deeper into this pregnancy you get. I felt extremely cautious in the first many months. I didn't post anything publicly until around 22 weeks and even then I felt like I was jinxing myself. By the 3rd trimester I felt a little more secure although some of those insecurities never go away. You totally have earned your time in the spotlight and I hope you can soak it up for the next 9 months!!! xoxo