Both doubt and hope at the same time

So I have a confession to make. Yesterday morning, right before I went to start writing my ZOMG! I’M PREGNANT! post, I had a moment of doubt creep into my head. Remembering the first IVF cycle, when I proudly showed off my pee sticks to the Internet, only to have it all end in cramping and bleeding and a chemical pregnancy.

But, I tried to reason with myself, this time is different. Still, I had this nasty feeling that I was about to make a complete fool of myself by announcing a pregnancy and then have to go back days later and cry that it was another chemical. I think it’s normal though. To have these feelings of terror after so much trauma.

So I decided yesterday, that not only am I pregnant, but I am going to assume I am pregnant for the long haul unless otherwise determined. I can live this experience in fear, or I can be overjoyed that these embryos implanted and are growing and today I am four weeks, one day pregnant. (It’s way more fun to do the latter).

Today is ten days past transfer.

Here is a pee stick:

Both doubt and hope at the same time

Ah. Lovely.

And a one and two-day progression picture:

Take a look at this. I am no pee stick expert, but the second to the bottom stick was from late last night and the very bottom stick was from this morning. It almost seems like an HCG surge…I mean, it’s such a drastic difference than the one above them:

Both doubt and hope at the same time

So here I am. Still pregnant.

Last night we went out to meet a friend for dinner and we were supposed to go to a Chinese restaurant. So we pull up in the parking lot at the mall and suddenly…nausea.

As in, I swear to God, if I have to go in and eat orange chicken I will hurl.

So Chris asked me if I want to go to this other restaurant l across the parking lot that we’ve eaten at before that has really good brick oven pizza. I debated that for a moment while pondering the absolute weirdness that is food aversion.

We I decide pizza is less hurl-inducing and we go there instead where I pound down almost all of a 12-inch pizza and pretzels and cheese.

Carbs. They make me feelz good.

Later in the night, we were lying in bed and Chris was talking about his video game, so naturally my mind wanders.

Doritos.

It popped into my head. A big bowl of Doritos.

Ew. I could throw up right now just thinking about it.

This morning for breakfast I ate cheese crackers and drank half a cup of coffee. An hour later? Thought I was going to hurl.

Cut up an apple and grab tub of peanut butter. Oooo, this looks good.

Take it to table. Eat two wedges.

I’M STUFFED GET THAT FOOD AWAY FROM MEH GAG GAG GAG!

You guys. Food disgusts me now. I’m so excited I could pee! Except I can’t because I don’t have a pregnancy test nearby.

11 Comments

  1. April 4, 2015 / 10:41 am

    Yay for nausea!!!! Hurl girl hurl! You are WAY pregnant. I mean this all with love!

  2. April 4, 2015 / 10:51 am

    All good signs! I had horrible nausea with Abigail. I swear she's made of yogurt, string cheese and cool ranch doritos. Carbs are key! You're totally pregnant.. Now go live it up with naps!

  3. April 4, 2015 / 12:02 pm

    LOL. Enjoy it if you can. I mean the nausea really sucks but be happy about it if possible.

  4. April 4, 2015 / 1:45 pm

    Wahooo congrats and yay for nausea!!! The first time I threw up , I was so excited that I woke my husband up with " I THREW UP!!!! isn't that great?" and he officially thought I lost my mind, LOL

  5. April 4, 2015 / 1:59 pm

    I remember my first symptom all too well. I was so excited that I had a heighten sense of smell, even though it made me want to gag constantly.

    I get where you're coming from. After two early miscarriages, I was traumatized about saying anything about my pregnancy with the Beats. I literally woke up every day thankful that we were one day further along and praying we could get one day further. The only thing that saved my sanity was making a similar decision to embrace that pregnancy and to visualize a positive outcome. So keep doing what you're doing.

    Awesome about the pee sticks!! I predict a high first beta!

  6. April 5, 2015 / 8:41 am

    I lost 3 pounds my first 12 weeks of pregnancy because I didn't want to eat much of anything. When the nausea went away, I started overeating because everything tasted so good! 😉

    I'm so glad that you are not going to be terrified of this pregnancy! You are pregnant! I'm so so so happy for you!

  7. April 6, 2015 / 8:47 am

    All of these things are great signs!! I am so excited for you!!

  8. April 6, 2015 / 11:24 am

    OH the carbs… my kid is like 98% frozen waffles, cereal and baked potatoes

  9. April 7, 2015 / 8:57 pm

    Food aversion was my first symptom. I couldn't stand meat and eggs!

    SO happy for your BFPs 🙂

  10. April 7, 2015 / 11:18 pm

    SO happy for you girl! And those pee sticks are soooo solid! yay!! xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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